A lost woman found in the birth of a baby.

 

Today, I am going to hesitantly and shamefully share my story of my youngest.  At the age of 28 I found myself newly single. I had been with my ex-husband and father of my four oldest children for 13 years. The only man I had even been sexually involved with. See, when you get married at sixteen and become a wife and mother you never truly have the ability to live out your teen years. If you are a decent wife and mother. No, I am not saying I was perfect and without blame. That is far from the truth. Well following the separation of my husband. I attempted to live out the teen years I missed.  I met a man the “perfect” man. That knight and shining armor, the man everything my ex-husband was not.  The man who promised me the world and then some. Nope….. Love is blind is so true. He was everything my ex-husband wasn’t and some. He was a toad in aluminum foil.  Within a few months of meeting, dating and having a sexual relationship with this man. Bam, you think I would have known better but it happened I was pregnant. That was me twenty-eight divorced with four children and pregnant. This knight and shining armor begged me. I am serious when I say begged me to have an abortion. When I informed him an abortion would never be an option for me.  He told me his brother and infertile sister-in-law wanted to adopt the baby. At that point I was livid. He promised a baby I was pregnant with to his brother. Of course I refused.  He then revealed his true colors to me. He distanced himself to from me. I was heartbroken. I loved him. I had never felt this way about anyone, ever. Before you judge me, remember my example of love was twisted. I had never been exposed to a healthy loving relationship.  Finally at one point he came around or so I thought. He picked me up and we drove around in his truck to talk. He then picked up a friend and a package. I was not naïve, just in denial. Before the night was over the package was opened and he and his friend shared a pipe. Yes, a pipe and not the kind filled with tobacco. I had never seen in person someone smoke a pipe filled with meth. It was only something I had seen on television.  I then requested to go home. We only spoke a couple of times after that. I moved from the town I lived in. I was broken, stressed and embarrassed. It was amazing how easily he moved on. After moving I had decided adoption was best for this baby. I was divorced, homeless, carless, and had absolutely no help. I flipped through a phone book and came across ABC adoptions in Oklahoma City. I browsed hundreds of profiles of infertile couples. I finally picked one. Rob and Christie, they were perfect. They were financially stable, big house on a cul-de-sac in a perfect Atlanta Georgia neighborhood. And stable employment. We talked almost every day. They agreed to an open adoption. They had painted fairies on the wall of the nursery. Each fairy had one of my children’s faces. A picture of me place in a frame on the shelf next to the crib. They flew in for my ultrasound February 14, 2006. They found out the sex of the baby. Even using brown eyed girl as their ringtone. It was set up they paid my living expenses while I was pregnant. One day in March I received my first ever eviction notice. I called the agency who recommended that I call Rob and Christie. She was so upset crying she couldn’t even talk, so didn’t get out of her what was going on. At this point I am hysterical and worried. Rob called and told me they had decided to wait till the birth of the baby and see her to decide if they wanted to move forward in the adoption. So, at that point there was no guarantee my baby would have a home with this couple. They backed out. This is very uncommon. The agency and I were at a loss to why for sure. At this point I was homeless again, 3 months away from giving birth.  This was a hard pregnancy. I was on anti-depressants, constant nausea and vomiting. So sick that the day before she was born weighed in 17 pounds less than the day I found out I was pregnant.  I once again moved back to my home town. The one the baby’s dad lived in. To my surprise his ex-wife asked are you still pregnant? It was that or I had swallowed a beach ball. I was then informed he told everyone I had had an abortion and moved away.  He still wanted nothing to do with us. He had already signed the adoption papers.  Without even trying a second family had just fallen into place. She was a Physician’s Assistant, single mom of an African American little girl also adopted. I have to explain while I was pregnant I had the mindset this was NOT my baby. I detached myself emotionally. A couple of time I drank, and not just some but quite a bit. I know this makes me sound horrible. I didn’t buy one baby thing. I didn’t listen to the heartbeat or watch the ultrasound. I completely detached myself. I was excited this new family had just fallen into my lap. This woman ended up being crazy I am talking insane crazy.  Threatening to pull out all of my hair if I changed my mind. Calling places all over town to check up on me. Telling me I was not allowed to leave the city limits with her baby. At this point in my life I was not a praying woman. I didn’t feel God love. It was my season in the wilderness. But, I did ask God to get me out of the situation. Guess what! He did. Her attorney called and said she had decided to adopt a baby where the birth mother lived in a different town. Relieved, however scared to death. My friends rallied around saying if you keep her they would help.  The irony in the situation these women were all women who had dated my daughters biological father. One was currently dating him. Till this day they are together with two kids. At this point I only have contact with two of these women. I was staying with one of them. It was not the ideal situation. They were always getting high in the back room. Six people in a two bedroom. I was blessed it was summer and my children with at their dads house for the summer. Five weeks prior to my due date. I felt something was wrong with the baby. Which was weird to me considering I had detached myself. I made my way to the ER. Where I was monitored. The nurse wanted to send me home. The doctor knew everything, he was not only my gynecologist but my therapist, and friend. He told her he wanted to watch me overnight. That night I put pressure on the sensors to make it appear I was having contractions. I promise I am not crazy. They wanted to send me home. I knew deep down something was not right. I was dilated to a 2 and had been for two weeks. The doctor decided to break my water. To move things along. Within a few hours I was dilated to a 5 then an 8. But 12 hours later I had regressed back to a five. The baby’s hear rate had fluctuated between 212 and 0. The doctor ordered an emergency Cesarean section. When I sat and lean forward for the doctor to place the catheter for the epidural. The baby crowned. Yes, she was being delivered regardless. I delivered my daughter 5 weeks early only dilated to a five. She was six pound ten ounces of blessing. She was charcoal gray, limp and without a heartbeat. The cord had been wrapped around her neck three times. I distinctly remember the doctor telling the nurse to take the baby out. I will never forget his words “she’s gone, take her in the other room”.  Right then and there I realized I had not detached myself from this baby like I thought I had. As I watched them attempt to make her breath, I laid there shattered. Then miraculously, I watched her cry and turn from charcoal gray to pink.

I was moved to my room along with my baby. It was then the doctor informed me 24 hours more in utero she would have been still born. And resuscitation would not have been an option.    I held her, I sobbed. What do I do? I have absolutely nothing to offer her. I am homeless, I have no job, and I have no money. I spent 24 hours holding a baby without a name, without a home without a capable parent. But the one thing this baby girl has was a big God. There was this sweet pastor who had been visiting saints from his church. I didn’t know him, I only knew of him. That day June 17^th he came into my room and forever changed my life and heart.  Till this day I remember word for word what he said. “I know you don’t know me. And, the only thing I know about your situation is what God has shared with me. You have had two families back out from adopting this baby. God is telling you, this baby is yours. She is your gift to keep”. He prayed then left. I don’t think I’ve seen him since. I know he passed a few years ago. That was it. I named her Kielee Joy meaning beautiful Joy.  My dad visited the hospital with a new car seat, diapers, wipes and a diaper bag full of everything a baby could need. It was like a baby starter kit. Including two hundred dollars cash in the pocket of the bag. Mind you I had not told him what I needed, when she was two weeks old I moved to Amarillo Texas. I lived with my dad, step-mom enrolling in school and working.

 

 

 

 This little girl literally save me from a road of self-destruction. I cannot tell you if it is because I was almost 29 when I gave birth so I was older, the series of events leading up to her birth or just God in the whole situation but I was changed. She is the sweetest, most kind hearted, funny, sarcastic amazing little girl.  Since then her biological father has relinquished all parental rights. So she is literally all mine. But God defiantly knew when he gave me her exactly what he was doing. God has impeccable timing. And he does know exactly what we need when we need it. Whether or not we realize it at the time. And since then I’ve not been on one anti-depressant.

Three things God gave me on my fitness journey

 

I am not an ordained minister. I have not attended seminary. I am not a pastor’s wife.  I am not a deacon nor am I elderly saint with decades of wisdom and biblical knowledge stored in my heart or head. I do not hold any credentials that officially qualify me to teach, preach or share. I am not a nutritionist, personal trainer nor do I have a degree in health and fitness of any kind.

I am not sure that I am qualified in any way to write on this subject. However, from my own blood, sweat, tears, prayers and study. I have decided to write what I have learned. We have all dieted at some point in our lives. I know my entire life I was told by someone I was unattractive, fat, and ugly. Of course when you spend a lifetime hearing these things you begin at some point to believe it. Once you are convinced you are all these negative things it is almost impossible to believe anything else about yourself. Till this day my dad makes comments about my weight.  No too long ago I had said something to the effect my older sister and I were overweight and he said “Mandy is not fat.” So therefore I am the fat one? My entire life he has constantly made snide remarks about my weight. A few years ago after losing 80 pound my brother lovingly said “oh my your half the woman you used to be.” A proud moment for me. Then the pride was gone as fast as my Granddad could say “yea the bags under your eyes do look smaller”. Even as a freshman in high school a guy I was dating broke up with me informing me  my butt was too big to take to prom. I was 5’4” and 140 pounds. Well within my height weight ratio. My second husband constantly told me how fat and lazy I was. This is just a few examples. This was a constant battle. I have yo-yo dieted since high school.  It has been an emotional roller coaster.

Society tells us were to be thin. The thinner the better. I was watching a special on OWN, they were showing a story on eating disorders in Hollywood. One model ate cotton balls drenched in juice and would take up to 20 laxatives a day.  One actress lived on 150 calories a day. Another binged and purged to the point her teeth looked like a meth addict. The stories go on and on. I can guarantee you these women and men. Yes, men! Are far from healthy and closer to heart failure than someone 20 to 40 pounds overweight.  Hollywood tells us through the magazine racks, movies, television shows and books the thinner the better. Not ever taking the physical, mental or emotional health of ourselves or our daughters in account.

I found a journal, one I thought would tell me about my daughter’s crushes, hopes and dreams. However, this was not the case it was columns of food she had eaten, calories and any exercise she had done that day, she is 14. She is 5’6” and weighs 125. So far from overweight.  Yes, I think my daughter should be healthy. However I do not think she needs to be worried about calories consumed at the age of 14.  No matter how many times I have told her since birth how beautiful, sweet and wonderfully made she is. It wasn’t enough society still took a hold. She still worries about her weight. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done different? Absolutely nothing.

I’m big in to the low-carb diet. However I’ve not lost a pound in over two weeks. And I’ve been praying about it and God has shown me so many things. To assist me in weight loss that has absolutely nothing to do with the word DIET!!

Everywhere you look there is a new diet and exercise regimen being hailed: Weight Watchers, Weigh Down with Gwen Schamblin, Jenny Craig, Atkins, South Beach, Cross Fit, Curves, and your best friend’s unique method? Everyone has a different take on the best way to lose weight, but they all have one thing in common: we must get skinny.  So, over the last few weeks/days God has been dealing with me. He had dealt with me spiritually, emotionally, physically and with my heart. I am going to share with you some of the things he has shown me in this season of my journey to fitness. Everyone and including me forgets it is a matter of getting fit and being healthy for the glory of God.

 There is not one scripture in the bible says we need to be or have to be skinny! No one scriptures tells us we need to weigh a certain amount. Nor does it give us specific diet directions with recipes. It does however say in Genesis 1:29 (ESV) And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food.” And in Genesis 9:3 (ESV)   every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. And as I gave you the green plants, I give you everything.

God specifically states he made the plants and animals for us to eat. I am going to go out on a limb and say animal products too (butter, milk, eggs).  I think it’s pretty simple. We’re killing ourselves counting calories, fat grams and carbohydrates. No matter where or what we are eating. I am guilty!! Yes guilty, of the gluttony (over eating) I mean come on if its carb free I can eat as much as I want, right!? Uh nope!  I mentioned above God made it all for us to enjoy. We just have to practice three simple things.

1.       We should eat and exercise in a spirit of discipline and self-control. Not out of fear of gaining a pound or fear of fat/calories/carbs.

a.       Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV) But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

b.      2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-control. I still workout daily, it just does not consume me.

 

2.       We should eat and exercise in a spirit of thankfulness.

a.       "Everything God created is good, and to be received with thanks.  Nothing is to be sneered at and thrown out.  God's Word and our prayers make every item in creation holy." 1 Timothy 4:4-5 (MSG) we can eat that cookie grandma made us. Just not the whole dozen.

b.      "He who offers a sacrifice of thanksgiving honors me; and to him who orders his way aright I shall show the salvation of God." Psalm 50:23 (NASB)

 

3.       Eating and exercising to glorify God

a.       1 Corinthians 10:31 (ESV) so, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

b.      1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (ESV) Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. I make it a point to play only worship music while working out. It not only pumps me up, but I get to have one on one with God.

 

Follow these simple three things and you will change. Not only physically but mentally and spiritually as well. No it will not happen overnight. It will not happen in one week. You will notice small changes in your appetite, mood and your relationships. Because food no longer controls your thoughts, actions or your life.   But, it will happen. Remember when you get discouraged Philippians 4:13 (NIV)”I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength” and Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ”.

 

Rely on Christ in prayer and follow the three suggestions and be confident and claim his word. He who begun a good will continue the work. I pray this blog may help you in your journey to spiritual and physical fitness.

 

 

Do you seriously think God can't use you?

 

I have always loved this. I think at some point we all have doubted Gods ability to use us. However, I can guarantee you God can and will use any willing vessel.

 

Consumed

 

 

When I started writing my blog today it was like a normal day. However, when I finished it I was literally in tears, praying and shaking (in a good way). Today was not and will not be a normal day for someone who is consumed. When I sit and reminisce about my childhood I cannot recall a lot of fond memories. I am not one of those people who say “I wish I was 7, 12, 16, 21 or any other age again”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. I’ve learned what is done is done and hold on to Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” I truly believe all things do work according to his purpose (will).  So, the things that upset when I recall an incident in my childhood that bothers me, I just remember Romans 8:28.

                                                                                                                                                              

However, the fond memories I do have revolved around church camp, Sunday school and youth services.  These are bittersweet memories. Because, those fond memories also house a lot of painful memories (that is a whole another story). I easily get distracted so I have to stay focused here. I was the young girl who at alter call stood in the back helping with the smaller children. I would feel the “tug” for years. Yes, I am not kidding years. But, I never wanted to be judged. I didn’t want people standing around me praying and staring at me. So for years I mentally, physical and spiritually fought it. Until one year at church camp in 1992. I didn’t care anymore. I distinctly remember that moment I gave it all up. I never wanted to fight it again. Then after that I would leave church camp or a youth service, I would be excited and so on fire for God. I couldn’t wait to pray, read and give offering. I was prophesied over. I was going to be in the ministry.  A pastor’s wife or missionary’s wife. This has yet to come however I’m sure if it’s God’s will it will be carried out. In God’s perfect timing.  I couldn’t read enough I just couldn’t get enough of God and his presence. As the years went on. A few incidents happened at church that I held on to. I didn’t give to God. I harbored them, a continued to play these thing over and over in my head. And let these juvenile things drive a wedge between myself and God. For several years I did what I wanted. I ended up divorced. I became promiscuous, then had my fifth child out of wedlock. I never tried drugs, I was never a prostitute or did anything illegal. But, it was enough that the guilt of my actions set in and I was too ashamed to return to God. I knew I had messed up and he didn’t want or need someone like me to be pray for others, or to teach after everything I had done. You know all the little things Satan plants in your head to keep you away from God. I eventually hit bottom and had nowhere to turn. I had two daughters living with friends in another state. It was hard. Finally, I knew only God could reach down and pick me up from the bottom. I was listening to Karen Wheaton and the song “He’ll do it again” played. Then Nicole C. Mullen’s “one touch” played. I knew then and there God was telling me. Only one touch and I will do it again. And guess what HE DID! All that desire to serve, love, share and joy returned. Of course not in an instant like the movies. But, over time. Healing began that day. Don’t get me wrong there are some days. I have to rebuke the old feelings that try to creep up. Then that is when James 4:7 came to play “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you”. Because those thoughts are not from God. Only tactics of Satan to put me back in that place.  That place I know I never want to be. There is a song by Hillsong United, Consuming Fire. The day I heard this song I had chills. It was one of those life changing songs. It took me back to the moments I was on fire for God and everything it entailed. I looked up the scripture in which it says God is a consuming fire.

It does not matter which translation you read Hebrews 12:29 every translations reads the same.

Parallel Verses

 

New International Version

for our "God is a consuming fire."

 

New Living Translation

For our God is a devouring fire.

 

English Standard Version

for our God is a consuming fire.

 

New American Standard Bible

for our God is a consuming fire.

 

King James Bible

For our God is a consuming fire.

 

Holman Christian Standard Bible

for our God is a consuming fire.

 

International Standard Version

For "our God is an all-consuming fire."

 

NET Bible

For our God is indeed a devouring fire.

 

Aramaic Bible in Plain English

For our God is a consuming fire.

 

GOD'S WORD® Translation

After all, our God is a destructive fire.

 

Jubilee Bible 2000

 for our God is a consuming fire.

 

King James 2000 Bible

For our God is a consuming fire.

 

American King James Version

For our God is a consuming fire.

 

American Standard Version

for our God is a consuming fire.

 

Douay-Rheims Bible

For our God is a consuming fire.

 

Darby Bible Translation

For also our God is a consuming fire.

 

English Revised Version

for our God is a consuming fire.

 

Webster's Bible Translation

For our God is a consuming fire.

 

Weymouth New Testament

For our God is also a consuming fire.

 

World English Bible

for our God is a consuming fire.

 

Young's Literal Translation

 for also our God is a consuming fire.                                                                                                                             

 

 

 

If you were raised in church or even at one point in your life had a relationship with Christ. You will always have an ember smoldering.  If you have ever seen a smoldering camp fire and added a paper to it. Maybe blew on it a little or just poured gas or lighter fluid on it. With paper is starts a small flame (reading the pages of his word) especially when you blow on it (the breath it takes to pray).  Now if you add lighter fluid or gas to it, it burst into flames (praise & worship regardless of circumstances). Consuming everything you place on it at that point.  The perfect recipe for a consuming fire. So I will ask you today. What are you willing to do to spark that smoldering fire for God? My challenge to you…. I don’t where you are in your Christian walk.  If you are a believer or a non-believer. Start praying even if it’s 30 seconds in the morning, noon or night. There are no rules on prayer only this it is sincere.  Start reading scripture. There are so many bible apps you can access from anywhere. Replace your music with uplifting with Praise songs, even if you are only replacing one song a day or one an hour. Let’s see what we can do and allow God to consume us. Let’s get to that place where leaping for joy and dancing unto the Lord is as easy as breathing.  I pray today this blog was as much a blessing to you as it was for me to share.

 

Remember Life if short, God is good and coffee is your friend,

 

Hollie Kate.

When Satan’s lies can’t get to my heart, God peace fills me up!

 

 

 This being November 18^th it makes me realize I only have one month until I am 36. I started to think. Did I accomplish everything I set out to or hoped I would accomplish in my 35^th year of life? Did I do everything I could to further his kingdom? However shameful it is, it is very simple. No, I didn’t!  The shameful part is, I cannot blame it on anyone other than myself. And there is only one reason I did not. It is the reason most of us don’t accomplish all we can for his kingdom. Not for lack of funds, not for lack of support, not for lack of knowledge, but the simplest of things F-E-A-R. A small four letter word that controls so much of us.  I am always telling my children when they are fearful remember and say out loud “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). Yes, it is easier to direct my children in this than to apply it to my own life.  The easier said than done concept. And then there is the part of Psalm 23 that we all have known since preschool. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” Psalm 23:4. I don’t care if you are Baptist, AOG, Pentecostal, apostolic, catholic or Methodist. This is a scripture we ALL know. And we have all known since we started memorizing scriptures as toddlers. Why do we fear? Why do we fear only when it applies to religion, church or our relationship with Christ? We can make a toast at weddings, at birthday and anniversary parties. We can even get up in a room full of strangers and sing karaoke. But, when it comes to praying aloud, singing or publicly speaking about his grace, his love and his mercy. Even sharing our testimonies we crumble like a brittle cookie.  That huge ball of fear, takes over and we stutter, were tongued tied, we sweat, and we cannot bring ourselves to say it. A few reasons we fear…

1.       Fear of not sounding as eloquent as the person before or after us. (even if they’ve been doing it for years)

2.       Someone may laugh at us.

3.       We are sure someone in the crowd is judging us. (people we’ve never met and may never meet)

4.       If people hear or testimony or our view on Christ, then we will have to change the way we act outside of church. (talk, jokes, actions and sometimes attire)

5.       If I give my testimony then people will know all dirty secrets from my past.

6.       Fear of no longer being accepted by non-believers. ( I have dear friends who are non-believers)

7.       Oh man, then we have to start listening to Christian music. Or we can’t see the rated “R” movie.

8.       What if we make mistakes people will judge us.

 

I know all these things have gone through minds of Christian people everywhere. I know they have all at some point they’ve gone through my mind. Sometimes one at a time. Other times my mind if flooded with all eight. It is not a shame or a sin to think these things. The shame and sin in it is to let it consume you and live in fear. God never intended for his people to live in fear.  Our freedom comes in and through Christ.

 Romans 6:22

But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life.

2 Corinthians 3:17  

 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

Galatians 5:1

 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

1 Peter 2:16  Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God's slaves.

 

I am not saying if you are a Christian you will never make mistakes. You will never fear, you will make fall and to think you won’t you are only fooling yourself and giving Satan an open do to help you fear, fall and make mistakes. Once you repent and ask God to take over your life that does not mean it will be easier. Sometimes it is harder. Yes… I said it the dreaded word “harder.” You then become a threat to Satan. And he only attacks those who threaten his dark kingdom. In John 10:10 is says it all “The thief cometh not, but that he may steal, and kill, and destroy: I came that they may have life, and may have [it] abundantly”.

Christ not only wants, but requires us to set aside our fear and embrace our freedom. That freedom we can only find in him.  Give that testimony, sing that song and give the lesson, say that prayer. Sometimes this is better than a hallelujah. Remember when you fear to move forward in God’s will for your life you are robbing yourself of Joy, peace, happiness and opportunities.  I don’t care if it’s speaking, teaching, singing or serving don’t let fear take hold. Try first tell Satan out loud to “leave me alone, in the name of Jesus.  Tell Satan “you have no place around me” (Telling him out loud is important because he can’t read our minds) Then pray to God, asking for the blood of Jesus to cover your mind, heart and spirit. Glynnis says it best “I’ve asked God to cover my heart, mind, my pulse, my thoughts, my family, and my home, everything I can think of, with the blood of Jesus.  When Satan’s lies can’t get to my heart, God peace fills me up” - Glynnis Whitwer

 

Revelation 12:11, “They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.”

 

And remember when you are not sure what or how to pray. Pray the word of God. Pull out your Bible and just pray start with Psalm 23. If you do not have a bible email me. I will mail you one, today!! God does not require your prayers, speech, teachings or songs to be eloquent only sincere.  I pray that this may bless someone. Help them to overcome their fear and move forward in God’s will for their life.

 

Remember life is short, God is good and coffee is your friend,

 

Hollie Kate.

Getting out of the welfare rut....

 

 

November 14^th, the 14^th day of the thankfulness challenge.  I have previously stated it is not a challenge for me to find things to be thankful for. I had a time even when I was married. I was on government assistance. At times there was housing, TANF, food stamps and medical. After my divorce I had the relief of several government programs. I think these programs are wonderful for people who are truly in need of the temporary assistance. I know at times these programs literally saved my life and the lives of my children. I was so very thankful for these programs for years. From living in ghetto government housing, my car, with friends or family and only being able to afford food due to food stamps. Having evictions notices and cut off notices. Student loans in default. Having to have help to buy Christmas gifts for my children as well as the dinner. With prayer, fasting, hard work and faithfulness. My whole world has changed.

It has been almost one year since I have needed the assistance of any government programs. I am still a proud single mother of five children, three whom still live at home. Currently I am able to pay all my bills; car payment, cable, internet, phone, two student loans, electric, rent, family gym membership, groceries and to clothe the entire household. I was able to purchase the girls coats this year without the assistance of a special program.  I even managed to bring both student loans out of default without the assistance of any government assistance, child support or family help.

You cannot even comprehend how much these means to me. There is so much pride and excitement every time I log on to my bank and account and pay my bills or swipe my debit card to buy gas or groceries. No, I still do not have perfect credit nor am I even close. I am thankful to all my friends and family who prayed for me, encouraged me, and loved me. The ones who helped me in any other way. For you I am so very thankful for you. I am thankful for where God has brought me from. Without him none of this would be possible.

 

Remember Life is short, God is good and coffee is your friend,

 

Hollie Kate

I'm DONE, Stressed out single parenting!

 

I was raised in church. I was raised to love, trust and depend upon God and his timing. I memorized all the scriptures on trust and worry in primary Sunday school. I have been a single mother since 2005. There are days it seems like yesterday, then there are those days where is seems like a million years ago. I know being a parent there are worries too numerous to count. I think as a single parent those worries double sometime possible triple. I know for me some of my worries were brought on myself. Other times those worries were circumstantial. Naturally we worry am I doing enough as a single parent to raise successful, healthy, Godly, thriving adults who will be able to function in society. Or am I raising another statistic? Will he or she end up in a clock tower going postal? Single mothers and fathers naturally worry more than average, this is normal I promise. You are not alone. I am not alone. It is a hard lesson to learn.

When I say some of those worries were brought on by myself. I am referring to the times I was too strong, too independent and too smart to admit I needed help. Bottom line it was not independence, it was not because I was strong. And defiantly not because I was smart. It was because I was prideful, huge Mistake!!! Proverbs 16:18 says “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” (NIV).  I can and I think we all can admit at some point in time. It is hard to admit I need help. I can’t do this by myself.  I cannot emotionally, mentally, physically or financially handle this by myself. Were taught by society this omission is a sign of weakness. Well it is not, it is a hard lesson to learn.

One of my favorite things women would say is “the lord is your husband, he is the father of your children”. I distinctly remember thinking lady are you nuts, who hit you upside your head?! I could never wrap my head nor my heart around this concept. Most of these women had never been a single parent. Yet, they wanted to tell me how I should look at my situation.  How I should feel. I truly believed these women were nuts. I know these sweet women were taking the following scriptures and applying them to my situation.

“For your Maker is your husband-- the LORD Almighty is his name-- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.” Isaiah 54:5 (NIV).  “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” Psalm 68:5 (NIV).

They didn’t mean in a physical sense. Let’s face it God doesn’t sit on the couch cuddling and watching a movie with you. He doesn’t send you flowers or chocolates at work. He doesn’t text or call you midafternoon just to say “I love you”.  I remember thinking “Ok lady, next I get lonely and want to go on a date, I’ll pray about it.” I would be so aggravated at these women.  I used the phrase “when you walk a mile in my shoes, then give me call.” This hateful response didn’t get me anywhere. Yes at the time it made me temporarily feel better. I would feel so desperate at times I would think surely I am obviously one of Job’s decedents. The Satan has skipped a few generations and I am being tested. Then when reading Job right there in black and white it was printed in Job 2:10, He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Talk about a slap in the face. It wasn’t a physical slap but it sure felt like it.  I learned what these women meant. Was not that God would be my physical husband or a physical father to my children.  That in these times if I were to call upon the Lord he would give me peace, comfort and decrease my anxiety and worry in only a way he could.

 When we really pray it doesn’t have to be a loud prayer for all to hear or see. It only has to be a genuine heart felt prayer. I mean there are still days when a loud boisterous prayer is needed. You now those days you’re standing in the kitchen kids are fighting, you’re sick the dog has had accidents. You are really not sure what you have to cook for dinner.  The youngest has just announced she has no clean clothes for tomorrow. You have no laundry money and realize you will be scrubbing them in the sink. Yes, these are the days I am very vocal with my heavenly father. A simple “Jesus, I cannot do this without your help” will work (heartfelt of course). Never let anyone else dictate your prayer life. It’s a conversation between you and God. Simple as that. In 2 Chronicles 15:4, it states “But in their distress they turned to the LORD, the God of Israel, and sought him, and he was found by them”.  And when you don’t know what to pray just say his name “Jesus.” Matthew 18:19, Says "Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven."  Ask your pastor, friend or even children to pray with you. I promise it works.

My point today is don’t let your pride get in the way of the help God can provide. Yes, sometimes it comes in the form of family, friends and strangers. I’ve made several life friends from accepting the help God has sent my way. Don’t be afraid, prideful or worry about sharing your situation. You never know when your story, your journey, your testimony will help someone else. I pray today you are blessed. That God reveals himself in a mighty way through your situation. Remember this too shall pass. There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: Ecclesiastes 3:1.

 

Remember life is short, God is good and coffee is your friend,

 

Hollie Kate.

 

 

Today is day 12 of our 30 day Thankfulness challenge. As I stated yesterday I do not find it a challenge share things I am thankful for. Some of these things are small however I try not to minimize the difference they make in my life. Other things are huge and today is one of the huge things. So, today I am thankful for the love of my children. Children a sweet, innocent, unconditional, naïve and forgiving love. In the medical field I have seen children who have been abused and neglected in unimaginable ways. At the hands of parents and other "loved" ones. These children will defend their parents. Offer affection and love no matter what. The love of a child amazes me. As far as I know I've not ever been accused of abusing my children in anyway. This is not to say I've never made hundreds of parenting mistakes. And still do, daily. With each mistake, each mishap, and each unnecessary argument with one of my children. They never fail to love me. To offer a hug. To show affection even if it's with a note. Yes, I am one of these parents if I feel as though I am wrong will offer my apology and offer an explanation of how I could have handled the situation/incident differently. I have been told, "Don’t do that, you’re the parent they don't need your explanation".  They may not but I do. I don't raise my children the way my parents raised me. I believe children are deserving of the same unconditional love they offer. A love that says I don't care about your mistakes, big or small. I don't care who you love as long as they love the Lord and you. I don't care what you do for a living as long as you glorify God and enjoy what you do. I don't care where you live as long as you’re living a godly life. If you chose a life that I don't agree with I WILL NOT LOVE YOU LESS! I WILL NOT abandoned YOU! I will ALWAYS be here for you, by phone, by text, by email, by Facebook, by plane, by train, by automobile, day night or midafternoon. I am thankful for the love of my children. I am thankful one of the lessons in loving my children is I can relate to the love God has for me. There of course really not earthly comparison. But, if my love for them and their love for me is such a deep unconditional, sweet love. How deep is God's love for me? Another reason he says we must become like little children, even in love. Children are taught hate, they are born with the natural instinct to love. So, today I am thankful for the sweet, unconditional, forgiving, niave, innocent love. I pray that my children will hold on to that love. And I pray I continue to learn from this kind of love.

What is a Veteran?

 

November 11th, 2013  the 11th day  in our 30 day thankfulness challenge. It has not really been a challenge finding things I am thankful for. Today is extremely easy. It's veteran's day and I would like to take the time to Thank all Veteran's and their spouses who have been apart of any armed forces. Past, current and future. Sometimes Your selfless sacrifices seem to go so easily unnoticed. I know this as an Ex military spouse. Today, I want you ALL to know your scarifies are noticed not only today, but everyday. The husbands, wives, children and parents of these soldiers are 100% in our thoughts, hearts and prayers. If you have not been the wife, the husband, the child, the parent or the solider you cannot understand the worry, heartache, loneness, the struggles of geographical single parenting. Each person has their own part with their own joys, struggles, their own feelings of pride. There is not one of these roles you can minimize the emotions.  As a proud mother, sister, daughter, cousin, ex-spouse and granddaughter of an armed forces member who has or is serving. I salute you ALL for you daily selfless sacrifices! I pray you and you loved ones are blessed beyond measure not just today but everyday. And remember when you see a service member not just today but everyday Thank them for their service. We are only the home of the free because of the brave.

 

Thank you to All Veterans, spouses, children and parents of the brave.

Remember Life is short, God is good and coffee is your friend.

Hollie Kate.

 

Single Parenting and Thankfulness!

I promise you, if  anyone knows the struggles, trials, disappointments, joys, and loves of single mothering I do. Single parenting is hard. It does not matter if you are a single mother or single father, It's hard!!! And I understand what you are about to read goes both ways. This is just my journey. And I pray as you read this you will be blessed.   November is the thirty days of thankfulness.   Each day I post something or someone I am thankful for on my Facebook page.  I am thankful for these things/people  year around. I try to the best of my ability to let it be known how thankful I am. With Thanksgiving being this month, we just want to remind ourselves and others what thing we are thankful for. Because we all know sometimes it's nice to be reminded. Some of these things can be large to us and others may be the smaller simpler things in life. However, this does minimize our thankfulness at all. It does help when you are focused on a full thirty days of thankfulness to not dwell on the negative things that we don’t find worthy of gratitude at the exact moment were living it and staring it in the face. With all this being said, I have to express my thankfulness to the Men who walked out of my children’s lives. Yes, both men.  The ones who voluntarily gave up their parental rights in court. The ones who never call, who never send cards, who never show remorse for the decision to abandon their own flesh and blood. I know so far this sounds harsh. Just bear with me, for a minute. I am not degrading, ridiculing or judging them at all. It’s taken many years, even more tears and much heartache to get to this point of thankfulness. I am not saying I don’t have a day where a little anger or maybe a lot,  is stirred. I’d be lying if I said that never happened. Especially when my children look at me with their teary eyes and broken hearts asking questions, why. The day of the daddy daughter dance, donuts for dads or when I catch them gazing over at the fathers days cards every June. Even how they bow their little heads almost as if they are shameful, that they are "fatherless".  So in all honesty, YES!! I do have some stirred anger. Not for my own selfishness. Like in the past. But, only for the hurt in my children’s eyes. So today I choose not to be angry, upset or to wallow but I chose Thankfulness. Without their decision to walk out and say no, to be absent in every important day in my children’s lives. I or they wouldn’t be who or where we are today. If they wouldn't have disappeared I wouldn’t be the independent, strong, successful individual I am today.  I wouldn’t have a front row seat to every amazing, sweet, unique wonderful big and little thing they have done, said or accomplished.   I wouldn’t have learned to depend upon God. I wouldn’t have known the different, deep, connecting kind of strong love for my children I have known. I am not saying mothers and fathers who have both parents together in the homes, do not know a strong love. I am saying it’s a different kind of love. I wouldn’t have known the love of going hungry so they could eat. I wouldn’t have known the love of sitting up watching for strangers because you are sleeping in your car. The love of locking that Conoco door and hurriedly bathing and brushing teeth in the sink to be at school on time.  I promise I am not complaining. I am truly thankful. I am thankful for the good, the bad, the highs and lows of single mothering.   I am thankful God truly blessed me in so many ways. My only regret is not seeing these blessings till later. And I will daily thank the Lord for blessing me in a way one he can through my trials, struggles and accomplishments. Because, Like Matthew 19:26 says “ALL things are possible with God”.  I know we are all in different seasons of single parenting right now. And it may feel like you will never be to the point of realizing even the negative things are blessings. However, Keep in mind. God will never allow us to go through anything he is not willing to help us through. Be thankful!!!

 

Remember God is good, life is short and coffee if your friend.

Hollie Kate.