Today, I am going to hesitantly and shamefully share my
story of my youngest. At the age of 28 I
found myself newly single. I had been with my ex-husband and father of my four
oldest children for 13 years. The only man I had even been sexually involved with.
See, when you get married at sixteen and become a wife and mother you never
truly have the ability to live out your teen years. If you are a decent wife
and mother. No, I am not saying I was perfect and without blame. That is far
from the truth. Well following the separation of my husband. I attempted to
live out the teen years I missed. I met
a man the “perfect” man. That knight and shining armor, the man everything my
ex-husband was not. The man who promised
me the world and then some. Nope….. Love is blind is so true. He was everything
my ex-husband wasn’t and some. He was a toad in aluminum foil. Within a few months of meeting, dating and
having a sexual relationship with this man. Bam, you think I would have known
better but it happened I was pregnant. That was me twenty-eight divorced with
four children and pregnant. This knight and shining armor begged me. I am serious
when I say begged me to have an abortion. When I informed him an abortion would
never be an option for me. He told me
his brother and infertile sister-in-law wanted to adopt the baby. At that point
I was livid. He promised a baby I was pregnant with to his brother. Of course I
refused. He then revealed his true
colors to me. He distanced himself to from me. I was heartbroken. I loved him.
I had never felt this way about anyone, ever. Before you judge me, remember my example
of love was twisted. I had never been exposed to a healthy loving relationship. Finally at one point he came around or so I
thought. He picked me up and we drove around in his truck to talk. He then
picked up a friend and a package. I was not naïve, just in denial. Before the
night was over the package was opened and he and his friend shared a pipe. Yes,
a pipe and not the kind filled with tobacco. I had never seen in person someone
smoke a pipe filled with meth. It was only something I had seen on television. I then requested to go home. We only spoke a
couple of times after that. I moved from the town I lived in. I was broken,
stressed and embarrassed. It was amazing how easily he moved on. After moving I
had decided adoption was best for this baby. I was divorced, homeless, carless,
and had absolutely no help. I flipped through a phone book and came across ABC
adoptions in Oklahoma City. I browsed hundreds of profiles of infertile
couples. I finally picked one. Rob and Christie, they were perfect. They were financially
stable, big house on a cul-de-sac in a perfect Atlanta Georgia neighborhood. And
stable employment. We talked almost every day. They agreed to an open adoption.
They had painted fairies on the wall of the nursery. Each fairy had one of my children’s
faces. A picture of me place in a frame on the shelf next to the crib. They flew
in for my ultrasound February 14, 2006. They found out the sex of the baby.
Even using brown eyed girl as their ringtone. It was set up they paid my living
expenses while I was pregnant. One day in March I received my first ever
eviction notice. I called the agency who recommended that I call Rob and
Christie. She was so upset crying she couldn’t even talk, so didn’t get out of
her what was going on. At this point I am hysterical and worried. Rob called
and told me they had decided to wait till the birth of the baby and see her to
decide if they wanted to move forward in the adoption. So, at that point there
was no guarantee my baby would have a home with this couple. They backed out.
This is very uncommon. The agency and I were at a loss to why for sure. At this
point I was homeless again, 3 months away from giving birth. This was a hard pregnancy. I was on
anti-depressants, constant nausea and vomiting. So sick that the day before she
was born weighed in 17 pounds less than the day I found out I was pregnant. I once again moved back to my home town. The one
the baby’s dad lived in. To my surprise his ex-wife asked are you still
pregnant? It was that or I had swallowed a beach ball. I was then informed he
told everyone I had had an abortion and moved away. He still wanted nothing to do with us. He had
already signed the adoption papers.
Without even trying a second family had just fallen into place. She was
a Physician’s Assistant, single mom of an African American little girl also
adopted. I have to explain while I was pregnant I had the mindset this was NOT
my baby. I detached myself emotionally. A couple of time I drank, and not just
some but quite a bit. I know this makes me sound horrible. I didn’t buy one
baby thing. I didn’t listen to the heartbeat or watch the ultrasound. I completely
detached myself. I was excited this new family had just fallen into my lap.
This woman ended up being crazy I am talking insane crazy. Threatening to pull out all of my hair if I
changed my mind. Calling places all over town to check up on me. Telling me I
was not allowed to leave the city limits with her baby. At this point in my
life I was not a praying woman. I didn’t feel God love. It was my season in the
wilderness. But, I did ask God to get me out of the situation. Guess what! He
did. Her attorney called and said she had decided to adopt a baby where the
birth mother lived in a different town. Relieved, however scared to death. My
friends rallied around saying if you keep her they would help. The irony in the situation these women were
all women who had dated my daughters biological father. One was currently
dating him. Till this day they are together with two kids. At this point I only
have contact with two of these women. I was staying with one of them. It was
not the ideal situation. They were always getting high in the back room. Six
people in a two bedroom. I was blessed it was summer and my children with at
their dads house for the summer. Five weeks prior to my due date. I felt
something was wrong with the baby. Which was weird to me considering I had
detached myself. I made my way to the ER. Where I was monitored. The nurse wanted
to send me home. The doctor knew everything, he was not only my gynecologist
but my therapist, and friend. He told her he wanted to watch me overnight. That
night I put pressure on the sensors to make it appear I was having
contractions. I promise I am not crazy. They wanted to send me home. I knew
deep down something was not right. I was dilated to a 2 and had been for two
weeks. The doctor decided to break my water. To move things along. Within a few
hours I was dilated to a 5 then an 8. But 12 hours later I had regressed back
to a five. The baby’s hear rate had fluctuated between 212 and 0. The doctor
ordered an emergency Cesarean section. When I sat and lean forward for the
doctor to place the catheter for the epidural. The baby crowned. Yes, she was being
delivered regardless. I delivered my daughter 5 weeks early only dilated to a
five. She was six pound ten ounces of blessing. She was charcoal gray, limp and without
a heartbeat. The cord had been wrapped around her neck three times. I distinctly
remember the doctor telling the nurse to take the baby out. I will never forget
his words “she’s gone, take her in the other room”. Right then and there I realized I had not
detached myself from this baby like I thought I had. As I watched them attempt
to make her breath, I laid there shattered. Then miraculously, I watched her
cry and turn from charcoal gray to pink.
I was moved to my room along with my
baby. It was then the doctor informed me 24 hours more in utero she would have
been still born. And resuscitation would not have been an option. I held her, I sobbed. What do I do? I have absolutely
nothing to offer her. I am homeless, I have no job, and I have no money. I spent
24 hours holding a baby without a name, without a home without a capable
parent. But the one thing this baby girl has was a big God. There was this sweet
pastor who had been visiting saints from his church. I didn’t know him, I only
knew of him. That day June 17th he came into my room and forever
changed my life and heart. Till this day
I remember word for word what he said. “I know you don’t know me. And, the only
thing I know about your situation is what God has shared with me. You have had
two families back out from adopting this baby. God is telling you, this baby is
yours. She is your gift to keep”. He prayed then left. I don’t think I’ve seen
him since. I know he passed a few years ago. That was it. I named her Kielee Joy
meaning beautiful Joy. My dad visited
the hospital with a new car seat, diapers, wipes and a diaper bag full of
everything a baby could need. It was like a baby starter kit. Including two hundred
dollars cash in the pocket of the bag. Mind you I had not told him what I needed,
when she was two weeks old I moved to Amarillo Texas. I lived with my dad,
step-mom enrolling in school and working.
This little girl literally save me
from a road of self-destruction. I cannot tell you if it is because I was
almost 29 when I gave birth so I was older, the series of events leading up to
her birth or just God in the whole situation but I was changed. She is the
sweetest, most kind hearted, funny, sarcastic amazing little girl. Since then her biological father has
relinquished all parental rights. So she is literally all mine. But God defiantly
knew when he gave me her exactly what he was doing. God has impeccable timing.
And he does know exactly what we need when we need it. Whether or not we
realize it at the time. And since then I’ve not been on one anti-depressant.
No comments:
Post a Comment