A few important things I learned after my divorce

A few important things I learned after my divorce.

For those of us that have been divorced, some more than once. Hand up!  guilty right here. Yes, I shamefully admit I’ve been divorced more than once. I learned quite a bit from both of my divorces, however the one I am referring to today is my first divorce. The only divorce involving children. Four of my five beautiful children. When you are going through a divorce it is so hard to see past the current hurt and emotions. It does not matter if the divorce petition was filed by your or the other party there is still plenty of hurt, disappointments and emotions to deal with. That is just when it only involves the two parties. When you add children in to the mix you have so much more. I can promise you neither party is innocent. It does not matter your age when entering or exiting the marriage, neither party is innocent. Of course his friends and family will side with him condoning all of his actions as well as her friends with her. In the midst of all the hurt, drama, disappointments and confusion it is the children who suffer. Were mature enough to comprehend the situation for the most part. They are not. I think in my first marriage I was excellent hiding any fights and disagreements. The reason I say this is my oldest was 13 when his father and I divorced and a year or so ago (8 years after our divorce) he says “mom I was so surprised when you and dad got divorced.” I of course asked why. His reply “because we never see you fight or argue.” My thought for a split second was, wow I must have done a great job hiding and disguising our disagreements, that makes me the good parent.  This did not make me a good parent nor does it make me innocent by any means. Since our separation and divorce we have both made our fair share of mistakes. I cannot speak for him. I am only speaking for myself. Divorce is hard, just as hard as making a marriage work. Not only do you still have to work together for the children’s sake but you have to do it around the emotions. It’s hard period. I would tell myself this has to be a godly divorce. Uh really?!? I must have been temporarily insane. There isn’t a thing as a godly divorce. A peaceful transition but not godly divorce. Before I receive message and emails regarding that statement I will say. I do believe there are reasons for divorce. My second divorce my pastor gave me permission to file and finalize the divorce. So, yes I believe there are reasons God would allow divorce. He hates divorce, YES!  But sometimes it is necessary (life threating situations). However, that is for a whole other day/blog. So, I would like to share a few things I learned the hard way through my divorce. In hopes my mistakes may help someone else. And Yes I know there will be some situations these may not apply. There are not listed in any particular order.

1.       Take your children and yourself to church. Attend a class for divorce care. They specifically designed a separate divorce care class for children. If it was an abusive relationship get counseling specifically for your situation. (another blog for another day)

2.       Never for any reason bad mouth, talk down about, or even insinuate the other parent is less than a good person. Even if they are your thoughts. Half of your child’s genetic makeup is from the other parent. Don’t let them think half of them are less than good.

3.       When you begin dating never allow the boyfriend/girlfriend around your children. When you carefully decided it is time.  Make sure it is a social setting with lots of people. And, very important keep the displays of affection out of the equations completely. It keeps you and your relationship pure. And, your children have only seen you with their other parent. And, children love both parents unconditionally. This will hurt them, I promise!

4.       Never for any reason go through your child for anything. I don’t care if it’s a lost coat, lost keys a pick up time or any other questions or inquiry you may have. Go directly to the other parent. Not only do messages get construed, remember the old telephone game. Children also have a tendency to tell the other parent what they think they might want to hear. Because they love you and want you to be happy. Which is why #2 is so important. This often leads to other questions ones that do not apply to your child. Listen to what your child has to say when they come home, then simply say “I am so glad you had a wonderful time with your Mom/Dad”. Even if you are not thinking it.

5.       Never miss a pick up date or time. It does not matter if you are the custodial or non-custodial parent. I don’t care if the plans have to be made weeks in advance.  If you do miss it, personally call or talk to your child prior to it.  And make arrangements to make it up to him/her. Then keep that date. Do not allow this child to hang wondering. Children are imaginative and will imagine the worst. They will be hurt, unwanted and need the stability of your presence.

6.       Never attempt to buy a child’s love. If you are the non-custodial parent so you only have every other weekend, holidays or just summers. It is not the quantity of time but the quality of time. There is so much truth in it’s not what you buy a child it is the time you spent with a child. Your child will not remember what your present. They will remember your presence. 

7.       When you are with your child even on a short visit do not be busy with other things (work, friends, other family, boyfriend/girlfriend). Make it a priority to be with your child. Do something fun with your child/children. If finances are an issue. Plan a picnic in the park, a board game night indoors making cookies, or homemade pizza.

8.       When and if you re-marry do not allow your child to call the new spouse mom/dad. Even if the child’s other parent is deceased, incarcerated or just not around. They have two biological parents. They need to be reassured the new mom/dad is not trying to replace a parent. Even if we no longer love or even like that other parent, you child will unconditionally love them.

9.       If the ex-spouse relinquishes parental rights for any reason. Do not let the parent come and go in the child’s life. They made the decision and it only causes misunderstandings, confusion and instability in the child’s life. Never tell the child they are not wanted, there will be enough abandonment issues. And, once again no matter how you feel about the ex-spouse they are genetically apart of that child. Do not let your child hear anything negative about the ex-spouse. The hardest thing I think I’ve had to say to my children is “he is not a bad person, he just made a bad choice” because it was the farthest thing from what I was thinking.

10.   No matter how your family or friends feel about your ex-spouse do not allow negative conversations about the ex-spouse to be discussed. Even if you think your child is outside, upstairs or not paying attention. They are listening even when you think they are not. Children can be mean and they are little recorders and repeat at the best times. And you don’t want another child to repeat what they heard.

11.   If you have been “guilty” of any of these things, remember it is not too late to sit your children down and apologize and let them know they are loved by both parents. Ask them to forgive you. Let them know you will make a conscious effort to change the way and what you think about the ex-spouse. I promise your children will learn a great lesson. They will have a new respect for you.

I am by far a professional not holding any degrees in these areas. Only a parent who has made my fair share of mistakes at the cost of my children’s emotions. And one relationship with a son of mine. I pray this blog will bless or help someone who may be struggling in a similar situation. If you are in a situation similar do not hesitate to email me or comment with your email.

 

Blessings,

Hollie Kate.