Hard Divorce Lessons Learned..... (posted previoulsy, admended and reposted)

Photo Credits to Kelly Hendrickson

I posted this a while back.... I've chosen to add to it. Then re-post it. I share custody of one of my daughters with my dad. We have joint custody. All these apply in this situation as well. He is my parent. She is his granddaughter. Not your average custody agreement. But, with it comes the same issues. Especially when his current wife, it new to the family and three months older than I am. Make for a very different situation. But, through a lot of heartache, tears, anger and aggravation. When you dealing with custody issues in general there is so many emotions involved. When you are in this particular situation the hurt, anger and aggravation is deeper. You are dealing with family. Not, exes.  I've learned it takes a village sometimes. And, sometimes the best thing for a child is someone you may not care for. That is when we most definitely put ourselves aside for the sake of our children. So, regardless of your unique custody arrangements. All these still apply. And, never let anyone make you feel bad for not understanding a situation they've never been in themselves. Continue to do what works for you. Attempt to keep the "lessons I learned in my divorce in mind"

For those of us that have been divorced, some more than once. Hand up! Guilty right here. Yes, I shamefully admit I’ve been divorced more than once. I learned quite a bit from both of my divorces, however the one I am referring to today is my first divorce. The only divorce involving children. Four of my five beautiful children. When you are going through a divorce it is so hard to see past the current hurt and emotions. It does not matter if the divorce petition was filed by your or the other party there is still plenty of hurt, disappointments and emotions to deal with. That is just when it only involves the two parties. When you add children in to the mix you have so much more. I can promise you neither party is innocent. It does not matter your age when entering or exiting the marriage, neither party is innocent. Of course his friends and family will side with him condoning all of his actions as well as her friends with her. In the midst of all the hurt, drama, disappointments and confusion, it is the children who suffer. We are mature enough to comprehend the situation for the most part. They are not!! I think in my first marriage; I was excellent hiding any fights and disagreements. The reason I say this is my oldest was 13 when his father and I divorced and a year or so ago (8 years after our divorce) he says “mom I was so surprised when you and dad got divorced.” I of course asked why. His reply “because we never seen you fight or argue.” My thought for a split second was, wow I must have done a great job hiding and disguising our disagreements, that makes me the good parent. This did not make me a good parent. Nor does it make me innocent by any means. Since our separation and divorce we have both made our fair share of mistakes. I cannot speak for him. I am only speaking for myself. Divorce is hard, just as hard as making a marriage work. Not only do you still have to work together for the children’s sake but you have to do it around the emotions. It’s hard period!! I would tell myself this has to be a godly divorce. Uh really?!? I must have been temporarily insane. There is not such a thing as a godly divorce. A peaceful transition, yes! But a godly divorce, no! Before I receive message and emails regarding that statement I will say. I do believe there are biblical reasons for divorce. My second divorce my pastor gave me permission to file and finalize the divorce. So, yes I believe there are reasons God would allow divorce. He hates divorce, YES! But sometimes it is necessary (life threatening situations). However, that is for a whole other day/blog. So, I would like to share a few things I learned the hard way through my divorce. In hopes my mistakes may help someone else. And Yes I know there will be some situations these may not apply. There are not listed in any particular order.
1. Take your children and yourself to church. Attend a class for divorce care. They specifically designed a separate divorce care class for children. If it was an abusive relationship get counseling specifically for your situation. (another blog for another day).
2. Never for any reason bad mouth, talk down about, or even insinuate the other parent is less than a good person. Even if they are your thoughts. Half of your child’s genetic makeup is from the other parent. Don’t let them think half of them are less than anything amazing.
3. When you begin dating never allow the boyfriend/girlfriend around your children. When you carefully decided it is time. Make sure it is a social setting with lots of people. And, very important keep the displays of affection out of the equations completely. It keeps you and your relationship pure. And, your children have only seen you with their other parent. And, children love both parents unconditionally. This will hurt them, I promise!
4. Never for any reason go through your child for anything. I don’t care if it’s a lost coat, lost keys a pick up time or any other questions or inquiry you may have. Go directly to the other parent. Not only do messages get construed, remember the old telephone game. Children also have a tendency to tell the other parent what they think they might want to hear. Because they love you and want you to be happy. Which is why #2 is so important. This often leads to other questions ones that do not apply to your child. Listen to what your child has to say when they come home, then simply say “I am so glad you had a wonderful time with your Mom/Dad”. Even if you are not thinking it. And, one of the things I hated was/is. Having to go through his wife regarding "MY" children. Well, they are married. She is not taking your place with your children. However, she is taking your place with your now Ex-husband. They are now a team. Sometimes this is necessary.
5. Never miss a pick up date or time. It does not matter if you are the custodial or non-custodial parent. I don’t care if the plans have to be made weeks in advance. If you do miss it, personally call or talk to your child prior to it. And make arrangements to make it up to him/her. Then keep that date. Do not allow this child left to wondering. Children are imaginative and will imagine the worst. They will be hurt, unwanted and need the stability of your presence.
6. Never attempt to buy a child’s love. If you are the non-custodial parent so you only have every other weekend, holidays or just summers. It is not the quantity of time but the quality of time. There is so much truth in it’s not what you buy a child it is the time you spent with a child. Your child will not remember what your present. They will remember your presence.
7. When you are with your child even on a short visit do not be busy with other things (work, friends, other family, boyfriend/girlfriend). Make it a priority to be with your child. Do something fun with your child/children. If finances are an issue. Plan a picnic in the park, a board game night indoors making cookies, or homemade pizza.
8. When and if you re-marry do not allow your child to call the new spouse mom/dad. Even if the child’s other parent is deceased, incarcerated or just not around. They have two biological parents. They need to be reassured the new mom/dad is not trying to replace a parent. Even if we no longer love or even like that other parent, you child will unconditionally love them.
9. If the ex-spouse relinquishes parental rights for any reason. Do not let the parent come and go in the child’s life. They made the decision and it only causes misunderstandings, confusion and instability in the child’s life. Never tell the child they are not wanted, there will be enough abandonment issues. And, once again no matter how you feel about the ex-spouse they are genetically apart of that child. Do not let your child hear anything negative about the ex-spouse. The hardest thing I think I’ve had to say to my children is “he is not a bad person, he just made a bad choice” because it was the farthest thing from what I was thinking. And, still is.
10. No matter how your family or friends feel about your ex-spouse do not allow negative conversations about the ex-spouse to be discussed. Even if you think your child is outside, upstairs or not paying attention. They are listening even when you think they are not. Children can be mean and they are little recorders and repeat at the best times. And you don’t want another child to repeat what they heard. I've had to stop conversations between my family members more than once.
11. If you have been “guilty” of any of these things, remember it is not too late to sit your children down and apologize and let them know they are loved by both parents. Ask them to forgive you. Let them know you will make a conscious effort to change the way and what you think about the ex-spouse. I promise your children will learn a great lesson. They will have a new respect for you.
I am by far a professional not holding any degrees in these areas. Only a parent who has made my fair share of mistakes at the cost of my children’s emotions. And one relationship with a son of mine. I pray this blog will bless or help someone who may be struggling in a similar situation. If you are in a situation similar do not hesitate to email me or comment with your email.
Blessings,
Hollie Kate.

Mixed Thank You's!

Madison my middle daughter gave me a “Thank you” note after church last night. I always love their little notes. They always make my day. This one like many others was bittersweet. I sometimes struggle with the fact their father relinquished his rights to them. His decision wasn’t a forced decision but a voluntary one. These were not children that resulted in a one night stand. But, a thirteen year marriage. So, my understanding or lack of, relinquishing your rights due to the fact you no longer want to deal with the person you created this children with is NOT a valid reason for this decision.  I am not mad. I am not upset. I am not hurt, other than for my children. 

I am grateful God gave me the opportunity to be their mom. The honor of being front row in all they do. Yes, even on the days I am wondering if he knew what he was doing. Those days, you want to hurt them but don't because you love them. Those days you understand why animals sometimes eat their young. Those days!! Because, I as most single parents often wonder; am I screwing them up? This particular note Madison gave me last night, made me stop and think. Within days of getting these notes, normally comes tears and questions. I usually, make excuses for him. I usually just dry tears and hold them. Because,  How do I explain this to them. How do I help them without saying what is really on my mind? 

Well, as I sat on my bed with notebook in one hand, and my bible in the other. I just read. Looking up scripture only God himself could have laid on my heart. Let’s face it, I’ll admit I’ve read my bible. I’ve studied my bible. But, being able to find scripture the way I did. Well, that is just not me. 

As a parent, like any normal parent you want you kids to always feel loved, wanted and secure in who they are. Secure in where they came from.  When someone who is biologically programed to love them abandoned them, or “throws” them away. Regardless of the reason they will always be a amount of not feeling wanted. Not feeling good enough. Not feeling complete. My nine year old told me a few weeks ago, kids at school were talking about their dads. Talking about how their dads are fun and always there. She proceeds to tell me with crocodile tears “Momma not having a dad makes me feel incomplete!” Now, how on earth does someone respond to this. You don’t, you just love them.  It’s something nothing can prepare you for. No amount of training or schooling can prepare you for the heartache you feel when you child ask you this. 

When you are at a loss for words, only God himself can give you the words to help comfort them. To show the love they need. 

In Isaiah 41:9-10, It says “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are mine'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;”

Again in Isaiah 43:1-2 there it is ….. But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Then in Jeremiah 31:3 it says"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

Romans 8:38-39 says….For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 68:5-6 says A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing

No in one scripture anywhere in the bible does it say, when I’ll love you until something better comes along. Nor does it say, I will replace you with another.  It does not say, I am here for you until i get busy, remarried or have other options.  God just loves, with, an every lasting love. constant love. unconditional. never ending. unwavering love. No matter who abandons them. No matter who has or will fail them. God will love them. He will never abandon them. He will never fail them. Their best interest is always at heart. 

Not just today, day nineteen I am thankful for the promises of God’s word. The promise that he will be a father to the fatherless. Thankful, he provides us with the words we need, when we are lacking wisdom and words. 

Child Centerd Home VS. Christ Centered home. (long but worth it)

I think as parents we all struggle with parenting for one reason or another. We want to do the right thing. Be the best parent and avoid any mistakes. We want to feed them the right things. We worry about helicopter parenting. We worry we don't helicopter enough. If we are unable to make it to this game or school function. We worry we are unable to participate in one thing or another. We worry they will be picked on. We don't want them to conform to the world. But, we want them to "fit it". We want them to be accepted and avoid them being hurt at all cost. I am not just talking about being hurt physically, mentally, emotionally or even sexually.

Bottom line...... Parenting is hard. Especially single parenting. I am not talking I need a couple of hours extra sleep. One tear on my cheek hard. But, I am talking about hiding in closet bawling like a baby I need to sleep the weekend, hiding behind the couch stuffing a candy  bar in my face kind of hard. If anyone says parenting is not hard, they must have nanny's, chefs and unlimited funds (true story).

It is time to expose myself......... As a single parenting since 2005 (I did remarry and divorce again since then, another story for another day).  I have struggled in one manner or another, on a regular basis. I had two boys in football at the same time. We ended up at practice 5 nights a week (at times) and games three days a week. Working two jobs and attending college makes it challenging to attend everything I needed to attend. We are not counting the two girls in vocal programs; or the one in daycare I had.  It is HARD!!!!! Till this day it aggravates me to not end when someone says "why did you have five kids being single".  Immediately the holy spirit abandons ship and I want to throat punch someone. If in a million years I ever thought I'd be divorced, I would have brought them into the world. Duh..... What kind of person makes a statement like that to a parent, single or not.

I didn't want my children to be "unstable" or hurt so I also had them in counseling four of the five in counseling every week, was also added to my schedule. Along with the youngest with severe allergies at the time and had to get allergy shots every week. Believe me! I am not complaining, only explaining to give you a visual.

So, my schedule was crazy hectic to say the least. Well, I have learned through a lot of parenting mistakes. Through trial and error. Through blood, sweat and tears. We are not perfect and will never be. To expect it from yourself or another is ridiculous.  Parenting in general is a messy, emotional. crazy, hectic, beautiful roller coaster of a ride.

At times I was sad, jealous and mad. I felt cheated, wronged and abandoned. By family. By my ex who promised our differences that caused the divorce wouldn't make the children "suffer" through it. I wanted my babies to have it all. The perfect mom. The nice house. The nice car. The extracurricular activities. I wanted the best clothes (name brand of course). I had seen all the other single mom's at the events and school activities have these things. I would be angry with my children's father because of the lack of child support. And, I would go home. Fix my children the newest concoction that I created from whatever ingredients I could find in the cupboard.  Then I would bathe them, place the newest thrift store finds on their little bodies and tuck them in bed. Then I would go to my room with my youngest who has always slept with me. And, cry till I couldn't see straight. I did this for several years.

See I attended church. I volunteered every Sunday, for two hours. Then I would attend Sunday school and worship service. I never felt accepted, wanted or care about. It was hard. And, who suffered the most. Not me, not my ex.... but it was my children. See, when we place our eyes on attaining the material possessions for our children we will fail one hundred percent of the time. It took me a long time to realize this. Way to long. And, in the process of trying to attain the goals of material things I lost a few pretty important things.

1. I was so caught up in being the perfect parent. I failed to attain a relationship with the perfect God. therefore I lost myself. I lost myself in the midst of trying to give it all to my children.

My home had become a child centered home, instead of the Christ centered home. EPIC FAIL!!!

2. My second oldest son. He refuses to talk to me. He moved to his dad's and will not see me, period.

Also, my home had become  a child centered home, instead of the Christ centered home.  Again, EPIC FAIL!!!

3. I had focused so much on making my home a child centered home. I had failed to think about what will I do when my children a raised and gone.  I never focused on a relationship of my own. Not with Christ or a future mate.

In the midst of it all I focused so much on children. I had lost sight of the real goal. Don't get me wrong. Our job is to love our children. Give them roots and then wings. But, we try to giving it all. Giving it all to them is NOT our job. When we do we create monsters, Seriously!!!!

I would read books upon books on Christian parenting. I would enforce what I had learned for a brief time. Then when trying to enforce it had gotten to hard. I'd go back to what I felt was best. Not what God knew was best. The biggest EPIC PARENTING FAIL, of all.
To focus on our children without focusing on God first is our biggest parenting mistake of all. Our children suffer. We suffer and then their children suffer. A vicious cycle of Epic Parenting Fails. And, to know I created it, is the biggest heartbreak of all. I love my children to much.
We want the best for them. So, we give them the name brand clothes. We give them the smart phones. We give them the television in their rooms. We give them the computers, cars and trips to the movies and malls. See the pattern..... WE GIVE, WE GIVE,  WE GIVE! 

What have we asked them to give? What responsibilities have we asked of them? Any at all?

I still have two daughters living in my home at this point. And, I love all five of my children so much it hurts. Seriously till it hurts. However, I've learned a huge lesson in the first twenty years of parenting. And, I have promised to God to have a Christ centered home and not a child centered home.

See, even the state only requires us to give them a roof over their heads, meals, clothes and love.
The computers, televisions, phones, trips to the movies, malls etc..... they are all privileges. Things you earn. YES!! I said the one thing all children dread hearing EARN!!!! You want theses privileges you must pay or work to earn at least half of the cost. You loss the privileges then it is the child's responsibility to earn it back. The length of time is up to them.

Failing grades: loss of all privileges! Failure to do chores: loss of all privileges! Lying/disrespecting another: Loss of all privileges! Must sound harsh. That's okay. My home has become a Christ Centered Home. No longer a child centered home. And, that is the way it will remain. The bible says:
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6. God's promise is however we train them (Good or Bad) they will not depart. Therefore, it is our job not to give it all. I do not want my children to be trained with the spirit of entitlement.

So, I challenge you today. If you have created a Child Centered Home, to create a Christ Centered Home. Keep a journal note the changes you see in your home, in your children and in yourself.
Keep on keeping on for God's glorious Kingdom you will eventually call home.

Remember all Good things are from heaven above. That is how I know coffee is heaven sent ;)

Praying someone out there is blessed by today's blog.
Hollie Kate

The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Proverbs 29:15

You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. Det 6:7

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3-5

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:14-17

A prayer for my children as they go into school today

A prayer for my children as they go into school today

 

"Father I thank You for my children, You have heaped me with bounty and I praise You for entrusting me with them. For the ones who have already started. The ones who start today and the one who will start next week.  They are fearfully and wonderfully made. You chose them for me and I thank You for the gift they are to me. Please bless them and ask that You fill each of them with “Whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, having virtue,
or anything praiseworthy, let them think on these things.”

I pray Lord that my children speak life, love and your glory into all situations, you have given us instruction how we are to speak, and the power of the tongue to do damage, but also to bring healing. “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit" (Proverbs 18:21).
I pray godly teachers, custodians, principals and administrators are placed in their lives. Ones of integrity. Ones who will be uplifting, understanding and compassionate. I pray my children will offer these traits to others as well.

"As I pray of my daughters, Lord, I ask for purity in their lives and that of their friends. I ask for protection over their innocence and purity; protect them from others and wrong choices, call them to a higher standard. I ask for wisdom and discernment in teaching and preparing them for a life of purity and modesty. I also ask that you grant her friends parents wisdom as they raise a girls of integrity."

Lord, as I pray for my sons against pornography and lust and its evil effects on his life both as a child and as an adult. Give me wisdom in teaching him to respect girls and women. Put a calling of purity upon their lives that they will never use, abuse, or take advantage of girls or women. I ask for wisdom and discernment in teaching and preparing them for a life of purity." Lord, help me in a way only you can.

I ask for you to protect them and their walk with you. That you grace them with courage and boldness. As, the bow their heads and hearts when praying a blessing at breakfast and lunch. That you protect them as they strive to be a witness for you. Because, I know they may be the only Jesus they encounter.

I ask Father that you would fill my sons and daughters lives with good relationships, first with you Lord. Help them to seek after Godly things. I ask for your blessing on my relationship with them, help me to express to them and for them to feel unconditional love; may they rise up and call me blessed, as a glory to you. I ask for good friends for them; that they may feel accepted and influenced by good kids. Keep her path straight. I ask your blessing on their lives by causing Godly people to positively influence their lives at the crossroads they will face. Go before them and prepare the way."

Above all, I pray that my kids will develop strong relationships with the Lord. I also pray for healthy relationships with their siblings, with friends, and with their teachers and myself as their mother. The world is a dangerous place in many ways. I pray for physical, spiritual and emotional protection and healing for each child. Lord, please protect them from what satan means for harm, and please let them see, your glory.

Thank you for you multitude of blessings in my life. I pray these things in you precious name. AMEN

My home, Am I doing it all wrong?

Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.
Proverbs 16:3

When we are little girls we all dream of the “perfect” life we will one day have. I think, especially if we didn't have that “perfect” life a child. We say when I grow up "I won't do that" & "I won't let that happen". I will be the perfect mom with the perfect house. Well, when we grow-up we all soon discover this is certainly an unattainable goal. I am sure over the years, God has watched me attempt this feat, he has laughed out loud; while shaking his head.

There so many days as a mom I get distracted by the chaos of life. The full time job, attempting to run a part-time photography business, keeping up with my garden and two daughters 13 & 8 still living at home. Then I have the added chaos of my married son and daughter-in-law staying with me until their apartment is ready. It is seriously a busy and chaotic life. Then I start thinking it's only summer. School will be back in session soon. We will have meetings, sporting events, plays & programs to attend. I find myself overwhelmed. I really don't notice myself getting overwhelmed until my mood changes. See, I am normally a happy-go-lucky person. Very laid back and goes with the flow of things. But, very OCD when it comes to cleanliness of my home and organization. I then notice I'm being to be short with my children. Having a bad attitude. Then watch them watch on eggshells due to my lack of patience. Then I feel guilty, apologize to my kids and realize this is NOT Godly parenting. This is not even good parenting. My children a gift from God. They are his reward. Entrusted to me for a moment in time. What am I thinking? I have to make a change and soon. God has assigned me glorious task, how do I not loose sight of it?

I stated by buying The Love Dare for parents by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. By just the 3^rd day of dares. I was intrigued. I wanted more as a mother. I knew I needed to be more. I knew I needed to do more. But, where do I start? Here are a few things I have found. Things God has prayerfully shown me and I have incorporated into our home. I will let you know how well they worked in time.

1. Remember, each day is a gift.

Today is gift. A present from God. Designed and custom made for me. All aspects of this day, including the difficulties, challenges and messes are tailored fit for me. It may not be what I've prayed and asked God for. But, exactly what he knows I need. God only gives us what we need. And today I may need, that challenge. That mess. That difficulty! God fills my life daily with so many blessings. Some of these blessings are right there out in the open just like Christmas morning. Some of those other blessings are hidden. In incognito. In disguise. And, those hidden blessings are the blessings that end up being the biggest blessings with the best message.

This doesn’t mean I do not struggle daily. And, that I don't find some days challenging. I just try to remember that these days are designed to help me grow in my faith, in my mothering and homemaking. And yes, I have to make a choice and some days it's an effort to remember this. I try to hold on to “this is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24). I have to actively purse joy.

2. Keep an heavenly perspective.

I am I displaying this? In my mothering and homemaking? I would get caught up in Facebook or other social media sites. I would spend hours upon hours after my regular 8 hour work day editing photos or scheduling photo shoots. Then I decided!!! I deleted my Facebook account completely. I set apart a certain amount of time each day to blog. I no longer use photography as a business. I do favors and volunteer as photographer occasionally. This is something I carefully and prayerfully considered before following through. And, guess what!!! I DO NOT MISS FACEBOOK. I do not miss the hectic schedule of my own business.

 Allowing me more time to focus on the external aspect of mothering and homemaking.  I love the extra time with the girls.

 

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men” (Col. 3:23).

 This is definitely work. Very valuable work. And, work I could use to bring glory and honor to God. I have to constantly remind myself (no this does not make me a bad, mom). This is all work I can do for Jesus! I have to look past my own selfish ambitions. Like missing my favorite late night drama, the loss of sleep and loss of my own free time (whatever “free” time is).

I have to make the decision to focus on the eternal things. The eternal souls God has carefully entrusted in my hands. Yes, I sometimes wonder what he was thinking. Take hold, purse it, love it, be positive all for the glory of God.

3. Take a time out (often if needed)

When you feel weary and you just need a quick break, (a walk or jog). I choose gardening most of the time. Yes, sometimes stepping back for five minuets will do the trick. This break I know is a simple trick. And, sometimes a much needed one. It will do amazing things for you mental, physical and emotional well-being. While doing this take a deep breath, breathe in the fresh air. Let God's natural elements sweep over you, refreshing you. Sometimes, you need to do this more than once a day. And, that's okay. (I shamefully admit occasionally it's just hiding and eating my favorite candy bar).

4. Develop a purpose for you family/home.

Let's face it. The majority of us do not have some kind of brilliant mission statement for our homes. Most of us do not pray and ask God for a “mission statement” for our family. I know I've never done it. Most of us do not even realize the purpose of our family or home. I know I was seriously clueless.

I had read a blog once where someone challenged me. Someone I didn't know. Someone God had obviously flown in under my radar to speak directly to me. She posted “Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Prov. 29:18). A mission statement will help focus you on the priorities, guide you in making better decisions, and keep your view above the changing tide of circumstances.

Wow, what a huge eye opening statement for someone. Like a lowly single mom. I had to think back over the years of my parenting choices. I had operated recklessly as a mother. I had no vision. As I loved my children, all of them. Give up my life, do anything to help them type love. I wasn't mothering with heart. The heart God intended us to use.  Had I truly focused on my mothering priorities? I hadn't! So, right then and there I decided I was going to do it.

So the beginning of my “mission statement”. What is my mission? What is my purpose in my home?

I thought I prayed nightly God would help me become the mother he created me to be. The one he intended when he intrusted me with these precious little souls. My mission has risen from the following scriptures.

• Then all the people left, each for their own home, and David returned home to bless his family. 1 Chronicles 16:43
• On the twenty-third day of the seventh month he sent the people to their homes, joyful and glad in heart for the good things the Lord had done for David and Solomon and for his people Israel. 2 Chronicles 7:10
• These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
• Deuteronomy 6:7
  
  
• They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. Acts 46:46
• Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

These scriptures gave a foundation on which I could build my mission statement. My mission from here on out is........

 “To make my home a place of blessing, joyful a place full of love and learning, training and testifying to the Lord's goodness”.

  End the end falling short of this is a failure for me. And, when it comes to my children failure is not an option. I am not saying that daily I will not fail. I am human. I am imperfect. However, I am created by a perfect God who never fails me. One who will help and guide me. If I'll let him. Help me not fail with the eternal result.

5. Study & Memorize the word of God

As outlined in Proverbs 31. How does one become this mother, friend and wife? How do I make my home the kind of home she made? Is it even possible? Well sorry ladies I am no longer married. So, I do not feel I can elaborate on the wife part of this. How does she laugh without fear of her, the future of child/children? For starters she trust the Lord God with all her heart and soul. She buries her face and heart in the word of God.

It's Proverbs 31:17-31

“She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate

(yes, I skipped verses 1-16. Those verses focus on the wifely duties)

So, in the end. I have learned I am not perfect. I will never be. I can focus on what I have learned and apply it daily. I can pray and ask God to help me rely solely upon him to help me. And, prayerfully trust that he will. I know my attitude/mood has a powerful effect on the atmosphere in my home. I determined if my home houses the peaceful joyful presence of God. Where my children thrive and flourish into the people God has created them to be. Or if I allow it to house a presence of discouragement, a joyless depression, and negativity. It is up to me. I have to conciously make the decision and yes some days the effort. To make my home the home God intended it to be.

Remember God is great & Coffee is your friend,

Hollie Kate

A few important things I learned after my divorce

A few important things I learned after my divorce.

For those of us that have been divorced, some more than once. Hand up!  guilty right here. Yes, I shamefully admit I’ve been divorced more than once. I learned quite a bit from both of my divorces, however the one I am referring to today is my first divorce. The only divorce involving children. Four of my five beautiful children. When you are going through a divorce it is so hard to see past the current hurt and emotions. It does not matter if the divorce petition was filed by your or the other party there is still plenty of hurt, disappointments and emotions to deal with. That is just when it only involves the two parties. When you add children in to the mix you have so much more. I can promise you neither party is innocent. It does not matter your age when entering or exiting the marriage, neither party is innocent. Of course his friends and family will side with him condoning all of his actions as well as her friends with her. In the midst of all the hurt, drama, disappointments and confusion it is the children who suffer. Were mature enough to comprehend the situation for the most part. They are not. I think in my first marriage I was excellent hiding any fights and disagreements. The reason I say this is my oldest was 13 when his father and I divorced and a year or so ago (8 years after our divorce) he says “mom I was so surprised when you and dad got divorced.” I of course asked why. His reply “because we never see you fight or argue.” My thought for a split second was, wow I must have done a great job hiding and disguising our disagreements, that makes me the good parent.  This did not make me a good parent nor does it make me innocent by any means. Since our separation and divorce we have both made our fair share of mistakes. I cannot speak for him. I am only speaking for myself. Divorce is hard, just as hard as making a marriage work. Not only do you still have to work together for the children’s sake but you have to do it around the emotions. It’s hard period. I would tell myself this has to be a godly divorce. Uh really?!? I must have been temporarily insane. There isn’t a thing as a godly divorce. A peaceful transition but not godly divorce. Before I receive message and emails regarding that statement I will say. I do believe there are reasons for divorce. My second divorce my pastor gave me permission to file and finalize the divorce. So, yes I believe there are reasons God would allow divorce. He hates divorce, YES!  But sometimes it is necessary (life threating situations). However, that is for a whole other day/blog. So, I would like to share a few things I learned the hard way through my divorce. In hopes my mistakes may help someone else. And Yes I know there will be some situations these may not apply. There are not listed in any particular order.

1.       Take your children and yourself to church. Attend a class for divorce care. They specifically designed a separate divorce care class for children. If it was an abusive relationship get counseling specifically for your situation. (another blog for another day)

2.       Never for any reason bad mouth, talk down about, or even insinuate the other parent is less than a good person. Even if they are your thoughts. Half of your child’s genetic makeup is from the other parent. Don’t let them think half of them are less than good.

3.       When you begin dating never allow the boyfriend/girlfriend around your children. When you carefully decided it is time.  Make sure it is a social setting with lots of people. And, very important keep the displays of affection out of the equations completely. It keeps you and your relationship pure. And, your children have only seen you with their other parent. And, children love both parents unconditionally. This will hurt them, I promise!

4.       Never for any reason go through your child for anything. I don’t care if it’s a lost coat, lost keys a pick up time or any other questions or inquiry you may have. Go directly to the other parent. Not only do messages get construed, remember the old telephone game. Children also have a tendency to tell the other parent what they think they might want to hear. Because they love you and want you to be happy. Which is why #2 is so important. This often leads to other questions ones that do not apply to your child. Listen to what your child has to say when they come home, then simply say “I am so glad you had a wonderful time with your Mom/Dad”. Even if you are not thinking it.

5.       Never miss a pick up date or time. It does not matter if you are the custodial or non-custodial parent. I don’t care if the plans have to be made weeks in advance.  If you do miss it, personally call or talk to your child prior to it.  And make arrangements to make it up to him/her. Then keep that date. Do not allow this child to hang wondering. Children are imaginative and will imagine the worst. They will be hurt, unwanted and need the stability of your presence.

6.       Never attempt to buy a child’s love. If you are the non-custodial parent so you only have every other weekend, holidays or just summers. It is not the quantity of time but the quality of time. There is so much truth in it’s not what you buy a child it is the time you spent with a child. Your child will not remember what your present. They will remember your presence. 

7.       When you are with your child even on a short visit do not be busy with other things (work, friends, other family, boyfriend/girlfriend). Make it a priority to be with your child. Do something fun with your child/children. If finances are an issue. Plan a picnic in the park, a board game night indoors making cookies, or homemade pizza.

8.       When and if you re-marry do not allow your child to call the new spouse mom/dad. Even if the child’s other parent is deceased, incarcerated or just not around. They have two biological parents. They need to be reassured the new mom/dad is not trying to replace a parent. Even if we no longer love or even like that other parent, you child will unconditionally love them.

9.       If the ex-spouse relinquishes parental rights for any reason. Do not let the parent come and go in the child’s life. They made the decision and it only causes misunderstandings, confusion and instability in the child’s life. Never tell the child they are not wanted, there will be enough abandonment issues. And, once again no matter how you feel about the ex-spouse they are genetically apart of that child. Do not let your child hear anything negative about the ex-spouse. The hardest thing I think I’ve had to say to my children is “he is not a bad person, he just made a bad choice” because it was the farthest thing from what I was thinking.

10.   No matter how your family or friends feel about your ex-spouse do not allow negative conversations about the ex-spouse to be discussed. Even if you think your child is outside, upstairs or not paying attention. They are listening even when you think they are not. Children can be mean and they are little recorders and repeat at the best times. And you don’t want another child to repeat what they heard.

11.   If you have been “guilty” of any of these things, remember it is not too late to sit your children down and apologize and let them know they are loved by both parents. Ask them to forgive you. Let them know you will make a conscious effort to change the way and what you think about the ex-spouse. I promise your children will learn a great lesson. They will have a new respect for you.

I am by far a professional not holding any degrees in these areas. Only a parent who has made my fair share of mistakes at the cost of my children’s emotions. And one relationship with a son of mine. I pray this blog will bless or help someone who may be struggling in a similar situation. If you are in a situation similar do not hesitate to email me or comment with your email.

 

Blessings,

Hollie Kate.

Confessions of an imperfect parent

 

 

Before I start I want you to know. I am not nor have I ever been or claimed to be a perfect parent. I am only an imperfect parent who makes daily parenting mistakes. Being prayerfully led in the spirit by a perfect God. I know from experience we feel bad, judged or mean for defriending and or blocking someone including family and friends. Yes, I understand some people don’t. However, for the ones of us who do, with good reason we feel bad. I’ve had to do this. No only on my Facebook or other social media sites, but on my children’s as well. Does this make me a bad parent, a bad Christian or ungodly saint? Some would say yes. After searching my own heart and seeking the heart of God, I’ve come to the conclusion ASOUTLEY NOT!! I am none of these things. Protecting your mental and emotional health as a Christian is of the upmost importance. Your heart is the central nervous system for emotions of the body (yes, I know this is not scientific, it’s not meant to be). It is where your emotions stem form, Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind”, Matthew 2:37 (NIV). All connected right?!   The bible is perfectly clear in any translation to guard your heart, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” Proverbs 4:23 (NIV).  I am sure it does not just mean from pornography, pre-marital relations, satanic items/rituals and dysfunctional relationships. I believe it is anything not edifying to Christ. Sometimes we see a quote, photo or status update we like. Therefore we double click little like button. Innocent enough, right?! Um, no! I have to constantly remind my children those photos, quotes and status are sometimes connected to a page, friend or company not edifying to Christ. I’ve noticed my teen daughter likes a lot of photos with quotes containing curse words. Words not used in my home. This bothers me beyond words. So, I’ve told her if it continues I will take her Facebook away. I have gone as far as linking her photo stream on her IPhone to my computer. If any inappropriate photos are taken or received and saved, I know all about it. Her phone is also on family plan, if she says she is going somewhere I can look on family plan and know within 63 feet of the location where she is at. Oh, yes I am that mean mother. I know some of you are thinking “Oh my goodness, she’s a terrible control freak.” No, that is not it at all.  If she is unable or doesn’t want to guard her heart as a child lent and entrusted to me. Then I will, it’s my job. Their father relinquished his rights. He had his reason, he says. I am sure, nor at this point is it relevant. However, when my children or myself have mutual friends on social media site we can see all comments, updates and photos liked by him, his wife or his Step-children. Yes, this bothers a couple of my children. So, as the mean mother I am; I blocked him and all his family from my children’s pages. They can no longer see any activity by him or his family. Thus, cutting back on their negative emotions (protecting their hearts). I also informed my children if their curiosity gets the best of them and they decide to unblock or re-friend any of these people I will gladly delete their Facebook. Yes, again I am that mother. I was told once “if your children are mad at you at least half the time you are not doing your job”. Or “you are not their friend, you are their parent.” There is so much truth in both statements. So, as I prayerfully ask God will lead me and guide my footsteps in parenting. I know there will be plenty of mistakes, tears and doubt. I know God will keep his promise.

 

Remember as a parent, Single parent or not these following things (Things God has reminded me of).

 

1.       You are not their friend, they have plenty of friends. You are their parent entrusted by a God who has only allowed you to borrow them. Proverbs 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself bring shame to his mother.”

2.       Children are a blessing, a reward. Yes, even when you are doubting it. “Children are a gift from God, they are his reward.” Psalms 127:3

3.       Discipline is a form of love. Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers (or mothers), do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”

4.       On your bad days “this too shall pass.” 2 Corinthians 4:14 “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”  

5.       A child’s obedience is a biblical commandment. Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

 

Praying today this post may bless someone.

 

Blessings,

Hollie Kate