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| Photo Credits to Kelly Hendrickson |
I posted this a while back.... I've chosen to add to it. Then re-post it. I share custody of one of my daughters with my dad. We have joint custody. All these apply in this situation as well. He is my parent. She is his granddaughter. Not your average custody agreement. But, with it comes the same issues. Especially when his current wife, it new to the family and three months older than I am. Make for a very different situation. But, through a lot of heartache, tears, anger and aggravation. When you dealing with custody issues in general there is so many emotions involved. When you are in this particular situation the hurt, anger and aggravation is deeper. You are dealing with family. Not, exes. I've learned it takes a village sometimes. And, sometimes the best thing for a child is someone you may not care for. That is when we most definitely put ourselves aside for the sake of our children. So, regardless of your unique custody arrangements. All these still apply. And, never let anyone make you feel bad for not understanding a situation they've never been in themselves. Continue to do what works for you. Attempt to keep the "lessons I learned in my divorce in mind"
For those
of us that have been divorced, some more than once. Hand up! Guilty
right here. Yes, I shamefully admit I’ve been divorced more than once. I
learned quite a bit from both of my divorces, however the one I am
referring to today is my first divorce. The only divorce involving
children. Four of my five beautiful children. When you are going through
a divorce it is so hard to see past the current hurt and emotions. It
does not matter if the divorce petition was filed by your or the other
party there is still plenty of hurt, disappointments and emotions to
deal with. That is just when it only involves the two parties. When you
add children in to the mix you have so much more. I can promise you
neither party is innocent. It does not matter your age when entering or
exiting the marriage, neither party is innocent. Of course his friends
and family will side with him condoning all of his actions as well as
her friends with her. In the midst of all the hurt, drama,
disappointments and confusion, it is the children who suffer. We are
mature enough to comprehend the situation for the most part. They are
not!! I think in my first marriage; I was excellent hiding any fights
and disagreements. The reason I say this is my oldest was 13 when his
father and I divorced and a year or so ago (8 years after our divorce)
he says “mom I was so surprised when you and dad got divorced.” I of
course asked why. His reply “because we never seen you fight or argue.”
My thought for a split second was, wow I must have done a great job
hiding and disguising our disagreements, that makes me the good parent.
This did not make me a good parent. Nor does it make me innocent by any
means. Since our separation and divorce we have both made our fair
share of mistakes. I cannot speak for him. I am only speaking for
myself. Divorce is hard, just as hard as making a marriage work. Not
only do you still have to work together for the children’s sake but you
have to do it around the emotions. It’s hard period!! I would tell
myself this has to be a godly divorce. Uh really?!? I must have been
temporarily insane. There is not such a thing as a godly divorce. A
peaceful transition, yes! But a godly divorce, no! Before I receive
message and emails regarding that statement I will say. I do believe
there are biblical reasons for divorce. My second divorce my pastor gave
me permission to file and finalize the divorce. So, yes I believe there
are reasons God would allow divorce. He hates divorce, YES! But
sometimes it is necessary (life threatening situations). However, that is
for a whole other day/blog. So, I would like to share a few things I
learned the hard way through my divorce. In hopes my mistakes may help
someone else. And Yes I know there will be some situations these may not
apply. There are not listed in any particular order.
1.
Take your children and yourself to church. Attend a class for divorce
care. They specifically designed a separate divorce care class for
children. If it was an abusive relationship get counseling specifically
for your situation. (another blog for another day).
2.
Never for any reason bad mouth, talk down about, or even insinuate the
other parent is less than a good person. Even if they are your thoughts.
Half of your child’s genetic makeup is from the other parent. Don’t let
them think half of them are less than anything amazing.
3.
When you begin dating never allow the boyfriend/girlfriend around your
children. When you carefully decided it is time. Make sure it is a
social setting with lots of people. And, very important keep the
displays of affection out of the equations completely. It keeps you and
your relationship pure. And, your children have only seen you with their
other parent. And, children love both parents unconditionally. This
will hurt them, I promise!
4. Never for any reason go
through your child for anything. I don’t care if it’s a lost coat, lost
keys a pick up time or any other questions or inquiry you may have. Go
directly to the other parent. Not only do messages get construed,
remember the old telephone game. Children also have a tendency to tell
the other parent what they think they might want to hear. Because they
love you and want you to be happy. Which is why #2 is so important. This
often leads to other questions ones that do not apply to your child.
Listen to what your child has to say when they come home, then simply
say “I am so glad you had a wonderful time with your Mom/Dad”. Even if
you are not thinking it. And, one of the things I hated was/is. Having
to go through his wife regarding "MY" children. Well, they are married.
She is not taking your place with your children. However, she is taking
your place with your now Ex-husband. They are now a team. Sometimes this
is necessary.
5. Never miss a pick up date or time. It
does not matter if you are the custodial or non-custodial parent. I
don’t care if the plans have to be made weeks in advance. If you do
miss it, personally call or talk to your child prior to it. And make
arrangements to make it up to him/her. Then keep that date. Do not allow
this child left to wondering. Children are imaginative and will imagine
the worst. They will be hurt, unwanted and need the stability of your
presence.
6. Never attempt to buy a child’s love. If you
are the non-custodial parent so you only have every other weekend,
holidays or just summers. It is not the quantity of time but the quality
of time. There is so much truth in it’s not what you buy a child it is
the time you spent with a child. Your child will not remember what your
present. They will remember your presence.
7. When you
are with your child even on a short visit do not be busy with other
things (work, friends, other family, boyfriend/girlfriend). Make it a
priority to be with your child. Do something fun with your
child/children. If finances are an issue. Plan a picnic in the park, a
board game night indoors making cookies, or homemade pizza.
8.
When and if you re-marry do not allow your child to call the new
spouse mom/dad. Even if the child’s other parent is deceased,
incarcerated or just not around. They have two biological parents. They
need to be reassured the new mom/dad is not trying to replace a parent.
Even if we no longer love or even like that other parent, you child will
unconditionally love them.
9. If the ex-spouse
relinquishes parental rights for any reason. Do not let the parent come
and go in the child’s life. They made the decision and it only causes
misunderstandings, confusion and instability in the child’s life. Never
tell the child they are not wanted, there will be enough abandonment
issues. And, once again no matter how you feel about the ex-spouse they
are genetically apart of that child. Do not let your child hear anything
negative about the ex-spouse. The hardest thing I think I’ve had to say
to my children is “he is not a bad person, he just made a bad choice”
because it was the farthest thing from what I was thinking. And, still
is.
10. No matter how your family or friends feel about your
ex-spouse do not allow negative conversations about the ex-spouse to be
discussed. Even if you think your child is outside, upstairs or not
paying attention. They are listening even when you think they are not.
Children can be mean and they are little recorders and repeat at the
best times. And you don’t want another child to repeat what they heard.
I've had to stop conversations between my family members more than once.
11. If you have been “guilty” of any of these things,
remember it is not too late to sit your children down and apologize and
let them know they are loved by both parents. Ask them to forgive you.
Let them know you will make a conscious effort to change the way and
what you think about the ex-spouse. I promise your children will learn a
great lesson. They will have a new respect for you.
I am by far
a professional not holding any degrees in these areas. Only a parent
who has made my fair share of mistakes at the cost of my children’s
emotions. And one relationship with a son of mine. I pray this blog will
bless or help someone who may be struggling in a similar situation. If
you are in a situation similar do not hesitate to email me or comment
with your email.
Blessings,
Hollie Kate.
