Deciding today is the day!!!

I feel qualified to write and post this. Not because I have a degree in this area. But I have lost a hundred pounds, gained some back, lost it again and gained again. I’ve not ever gained it all back. Five weeks ago I decided today is the day! Not to diet but have a lifestyle change. I joined weight watchers, a gym and made changes at home. I do not strictly do weight watchers. I like the accountability of the weekly meetings and weigh in. The weekly weigh in keeps me from obsessing over the scale at home. I do still use my home scale, but I do NOT obsesses over it.  If, I am not satisfied with my weekly weigh in, I measure. And, I like the weight watchers app. Which automatically tracks my weigh in’s and I add my measurements. I love this. It’s a slow process. I have to keep reminding myself I didn’t gain it overnight and will not lose it that way either. Even if your weight loss process is slow remember process is process. As long as you are not gaining; you are doing GREAT!! There are times the scale barely moves but I can see myself changing. This is why I encourage working out with weights. With all this being said. I decided to write this because, I constantly see all these ads on the internet especially social media advertising get slim quick pills and diets. This makes me laugh. There is absolutely no such thing as a quick fix when it comes to your weight and health.  There is not a diet that is a permanent fix.  When looking for the definition of diet I found.

 diet /di·et/ (di´it) the customary amount and kind of food and drink taken by a person from day to day; more narrowly, a diet planned to meet specific requirements of the individual, including or excluding certain foods.di´etary

 There is NOT a special diet pill that will magically dissolve belly fat, or herbs to quickly rid your body of the fat. They do however make you shake, increase your heart rate and cause dizziness and sometimes fainting. This obviously cannot be good. I know, I'm guilty because I’ve done the prescription and OTC “magic pills.” I promise the side effects are not healthy and cannot contribute to your health, in a positive manner.

All “diets” will help you lose weight. Introducing an exercise including a weight regimen. This will increase the weight loss and help with ROM and muscle mass which also increases metabolism. However, most use diets as a temporary fix. This just does not work. It has to be a life style change.  Change your eating habits, increase your water intake. Increase your fruit and vegetable consumption, and your lean proteins. Try to avoid processed foods whenever possible. Decrease your sugar intake as well. Do not deprive yourself of the sweets you love. It will backfire on you. Then you will binge on those yummy, sinful treats. I try to keep on hand a bite size of my favorite candy for the “sweet monster in the afternoons”. I still occasionally visit my local Starbucks. However, I do request non-fat milk and I have down sized from a venti to a tall. Which only has 100 calories. This was a big adjustment for me considering I am shamelessly addicted to caffeine. And I decreased my visits from four to five times a week to once a week. Which helps me pay for my gym membership, Win win I’d say. I am not saying any of this is an easy journey. But a journey worth it. A journey to self-discovery, finding my fitness, and a journey to spiritual and emotional healing. It’s an amazing journey. One in which I wouldn’t exchange a day. I hope this has been positive and encouraging to y'all.

 

Remeber life is short, God is good and coffee is your friend.

XOXOX

Hollie Kate

A journey of surviving domestic violence

 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness months. So, I would like to share my story.

Six months after I started dating a man named Allen, I had a dream. He and I faced each other in a small, living room where we had decided to move in together. We laughed as the kids played. Love was in the air, and life was good. We moved in together his son and my five children, two sons and three daughters. Yes, we had a house full!!
Then what I thought was without warning, Allen morphed into a demon. I screamed like a victim in a horror film as he flashed deadly, razor-sharp teeth. Allen chased me relentlessly, and I knew he wanted to kill me. My dream revealed what I already suspected in my heart but was terrified to face head-on: Allen was dangerous. The moment he started being more physical with me. It was beyond the pushing and shoving, name calling and picking on the kids. I felt it was too late, I was stuck. I made my bed and had to lie in it.
It seemed impossible. He was a pastor’s son, once a preacher himself, seemed financially stable and sociable. Sermons he had preached organized neatly in a box. He had a heart for God. He seemed so sincere and sweet. Surprising me with roses on occasion for no reason at all.  He had a million-dollar smile, a quick wit and a great sense of humor. My friend had even commented how even-tempered he seemed. But one month after living together and seven months after my mom ran into Allen and his mom at a restaurant. Where my mom exchanged my number with Allen, I began to see the real Allen — charming on the outside, but a controlling, manipulating, verbally, mentally, sexually, emotionally and eventually physically abusive demon on the inside.
Gaining an understanding of what a man is truly like takes time. A pieces here, a  piece there, until finally, through various experiences, I assembled a picture of who he was. Because I tend to believe the best of others, I was slow at collecting incriminating  pieces about Allen. But after two years, exhausting years, I finally put together something that looked just like the demon in my dream.

Discovering his abusive nature
The first piece emerged not long after Allen and I started dating. At the time, I had no idea that his “leadership” was really control. I thought it was great that he wanted to help me and be “the man” in our relationship. Isn’t that what every woman wants — a Knight in Shining Armor? He negotiated a better deal on buys, asked me to attend this church his dad had recommended. At the time I didn’t understand or even ask why he didn’t want to attend the church he grew up in.
Finally, Allen showed up at my apartment unannounced to "help" solve a conflict with my son I’d spoken with him about. I knew then that something was desperately wrong. More episodes of his controlling temperament followed: He made me promise that I wouldn’t wear pants to work, raged when I wanted to travel to see my family for Christmas and screamed at me because I didn’t pay the amount he thought I should at a garage sale. One day, he even grabbed my breasts and announced, “These are mine!” I pushed his hands away. Made me promise on a daily basis my body was his and only his. That he was the best in bed that I had ever been with. He once handed me a five dollar bill after a great evening and love making, and said “Isn’t that what everyone else pays”. Still, I stayed with him. Why? Because I was ignorant about control and abuse, I didn’t think I deserved better and I didn’t trust my own judgment. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I discovered the second piece of the  when we visited his mother, and there was not a day go by that we didn’t have to visit his mother. We even leased a house three blocks from his mother. It was then I realized he hated women. When we walked through her door, Allen snubbed his mother when he sat on the couch, and she spoke to him and ignored her while she greeted him. A siren went off in my head. When later he started yelling at her over something that was completely out of her control. He followed her to the other room and when she returned crying. He announced it was time to leave immediately. This was a regular scene. When we were at his mother’s house. Till this day I do not understand why she defends him.
All the comments he’d made about women came flooding back: “My mom is a foolish woman!” “My sister is a liar.” “Misty and Amber cheated on me.” And the one that should have given me the greatest reason to run the other direction: “My father was not able to keep my mother under his thumb.” Then there was the big “if you can’t be submissive and control you, we don’t need to be together”. Before we broke up, he even proudly announced that he was going to “find a good woman who hasn’t been contaminated by the world.”
Piece number three involved blame. Nothing was ever Allen's fault. Of course, I made him rage. He even said he couldn’t control his anger because I provoked him. Since he was always innocent, it shouldn’t have surprised me that, when I suggested counseling, he retorted, “No way! I’m not going to listen to any woman tell me what to do!” He even announced to my children how many sexual partners I had in my past and would proceed to tell my children and his “your mom is a whore”. A typical evening he would rage violently either physically or verbally most of the time both. He would insist you make love to him. And when you wouldn’t he would rant into a screaming rage for hours. Or wait until you fell asleep and pull the pillow out from under your head, pull the covers off of you, and pull you out of bed. I once slept on the couch due to his constant screaming. He then waited till I fell asleep and turned the couch completely over, throwing me in the floor.  The torment would not end, until you “made love”. Then when he had a bad day at work; he would hurt you physically, emotionally or both he would say “turn off those tears, you’re not fooling me.”
What was I doing the entire time I was collecting pieces? I was praying pleading to God to change me, so Allen would be happy. Crying, peacemaking, encouraging and apologizing, attending anger management classes with him — over and over — for things that weren’t my fault. I also isolated myself from anyone who knew me well. Of course, I believed Allen's lies all along. He convinced me that I was getting too old. I had too many kids or was to fat for any other man and that our relationship was normal. After all, relationships are hard. Right? I once asked his mom what to do, I will forever have her advice ringing in my ear “Hun, if you do what he says, he wouldn’t have to do it’”
It didn’t make sense I had an excel spread sheet to account for every dime of MY paycheck. I don’t think I can even tell you what he made on his paychecks. I had to save all receipts. I had to account for my whereabouts at all times. I had to show all phone calls, text messages and be able to tell every detail of my conversations, yes even with my own mother. I was not allowed to see my sister who is a lesbian, without having to “pay for it” later. I was told her lesbian spirit would rub off on me. After his Dad passed away, my children were ordered not to mention their papa’s name again. Because his son has lost his papa.
I worked a full time job. He never had to ask for clean ironed clothes, dinner on the table. He never had to worry about the house being cleaned when he got home. I woke up two hours early just to see him off to work. Then I would spend those two hours preparing the house and making a dessert he could enjoy when he got off work, before me. I know I was not perfect and I would be lying if I said I never defended myself or my children I did.
In spite of all the things I did do, there was one thing I didn’t do — I didn’t get mad. If my "internal injustice detector" worked the way it should have been and my "self-esteem meter" ran smoothly, I would have allowed my rage to swell. From there, I would have harnessed that anger to tell Allen to get lost.
When we dated, anger wasn't an option; now I know this is wrong! I’ve learned that when used constructively, anger is a powerful tool to protect myself and others. Not too long after I’d assembled all the pieces, and then I mustered the courage to put myself to work for positive change.
Then I blamed myself because in this two year relationship I married him not once but twice. Why? I was convinced by church elders, and friends I was a destructive path to hell. He was my husband and I was to stay, go back and to work it out. After my first 13 year marriage .I vowed I was never getting married again. And if I did it was forever. I also had to show everyone I can make this work. Who wants to look like a failure, especially with a second marriage? Even when people tried to help me out, I was not ready. It scary, and your fearful. Yes, it does sound bad especially compared to the situation you are in. When you beaten down, abused and convinced of everything you hear for two years. You start to believe it. So then out there is just as frightening as staying.

Escaping the abuse
Allen and I had just arrived at his home after shopping. He raged at me as we sat in his truck for a reason I can’t remember. What I do remember is that an ocean of tears streamed down my cheeks as I sliently cried. He didn’t care. He didn’t stop. He just kept attacking me. “You’re the most argumentative woman I have ever met!" he screamed. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the injustice of abuse. It freed me from this man. I finally stood up for myself. Without missing a beat, I called my mom, my sister came and a few other family members came and we got what we could In the back of a pickup and SUV. Till this day he refuses to give me my children’s, bedroom furniture. Or anything I had before our relationship. I know they are materialistic and I have come to terms with it. We escaped, were alive and healthy.
Since leaving the abuse occurred one other time. Immediately following court he came to my apartment, violating a Protection order that had been put in place.  There are days I hear a song, smell his cologne, and see a friend and the emotions, of fear, anxiousness, and some physical pain returns. We are still in and out of court and I have to see him. I will admit it is hard. His smug attitude, his smirks and he stares in intimidation. He truly believes he has done nothing wrong. I take medication for panic attacks which they say is from PTSD, I do have some medications I rarely take for the neck pain from an injury cause by the abuse. I could not list everything that was done, for one there is not enough time today and I have to keep this PG!!


I’m not putting this out there for people to feel sorry for me, or to make him look bad. My counselor says it’s the first step in healing. Making my story known. And if I can help one woman or one child to understand the signs of abuse and save someone from the hurt an pain abuse causes, then it is worth it. So do your homework on someone your dating, weather male or female. Listen to your heart and your friends........

This was written over a year ago.  Looking back I would have never thought I would be where I am today. I no longer take any medications for anxiety or PTSD, nor do I take medications for pain other than over the counter medications. I no longer go to counseling. I have a well paying full time stable employment as a TMS Coordinator for a reputable company in Waco, Texas. I live in my own place with my children. I currently have a new car, my first brand new car ever. I pay my bills without the assistance of any state funded program. I am happy, healthy and blessed.


 Since then he has plead guilty to four violent felonies. He pays fines. Goes to court ordered counseling and is on 10 years probation. You think upon sentencing you will somehow have closure miraculously and instantaneously feel fine. That is not what happens and In the midst of the chaos of the domestic situation it seems impossible to be a happy functional whole person again. In time you can and you will be. No, you will not be the same person. You will be a better version of you. Because you are a survivor. And no one can take that confidence away from you. Surround yourself with prayerful  loving, supportive, positive people. Pray, pray, pray spend time in the word. Ask God to help direct your steps.

In the word it says;
"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me 2 Corinthians 12:9

 For peace, comfort and understanding. He loves you, don't give up on him or quit trusting his timing. For in Isaiah 42:16. it says he will make your crooked paths straight, I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, and crooked places straight." i promise you will get there.

I know now God allows us to endure things in our life that may be hurtful. Including Mental, verbal and even physical hurt. It is not to punish us. But to help us. Help us become the person he created us to be. The person he sees within us. The one deep down inside that would not have surfaced without suffering. But in the end In Jeremiah 29:11 he says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

As a domestic Violence survivor I can reach and help more women and children  to help. To  pray with and relate to. I can spread his word. The glory of his love, his grace and comfort in only a way he can. I pray you are blessed by my story. Feel free to share. I give all credit, glory and honor to God. He gave me strength to endure this road. He broke me and built me back up into the person he needed/wanted/created me to be. And for this I am grateful and glorify him.

Remember life is short, God is good and coffee is your friend,
Hollie Kate

Kielee Joy

This little beauty truly lives up to the meaning of her name. "beautiful Joy."

Love Vs. Discipline

Something I know I have struggled with over my 19 years as a parent is Love Vs. Discipline. My grandmother told me once "children crave discipline, they cannot survive without it." I know I was raised in a home of strict "spare the rod, spoil the child."  My mother knew my dad was strict in the "rod" area so she was the one who loved very seldom with the "rod." When I left home I could cook, well I might add. I could clean and had stellar organizational skills. That part of being a parent I was good with. However, I really didn't have much training in the discipline area of my future children. I still tease my oldest telling him he was my guinea pig. I had my oldest when I was 16, second when I was 19, then 21, 23 and 29. I have prayed for 19 years asking God to lead my footsteps in parenting.  Yes, I started early. Nevertheless, no matter what your age is when becoming a parent it is a learning experience. We all know there has to be a balance between love and discipline. It's finding that balance that is difficult. Some parents discipline with positive reinforcement.  Others believe the "rod" is the only way. Others believe in the "time-out".   I've learned in 19 years just as there is the five love languages of children. There is also the five discipline languages of children. Some of you will disagree with this. I am just speaking from my own experience. See my oldest and youngest are so much alike in personality, very loyal, tender hearts, very smart, love structure and schedules and very sweet spirited.  The two middle children are identical to a T.  They are strong willed, loving, defensive, good at sports, and are constantly changing their minds. Then there is my middle daughter she is very easily entertained, loving, very sweet spirited, messy, especially when eating, very book smart and wears her heart on her sleeve. My children all have their own personalities, with similarities.  So therefore each one has to be disciplined in different ways. My oldest and youngest a good talk and letting them know your disappointment in their actions is usually enough. And simply asking if their choice was a good one and allowing them to explain what a better choice would be.  My middle daughter she is usually very obedient, every now and then she lazy and I have to really be on her about it. So #1 #4 and #5 are not challenging at all. Its #2 and #3 are my challenge. Let me tell you if there is any parent who hates the "rod" part of parenting that would be me. I do believe at times a spanking (on the rear end)  is necessary. I said spanking, not beating and there is a huge difference. And #2 and #3 had a fair share of spankings. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love all my children #1, #2, #3, #4, and #5 all the same. They are there reason I went to school, graduated and the reason I am on my road to fitness. They have been my reason through survival in domestic violence. The reason I've gone to bed hungry and the reason I have done everything I have to better my life. So, please do not misunderstand me when I am describing each personalities of my children.  I am blessed beyond measure that as of right now none of my children are in any type of trouble. No detention, no juvenile delinquent centers, no suspension. And all make very good grades. And no this has not always been the case. My #3 child in the past has had her fair share of fights, and suspensions. My oldest if all goes as planned will be sworn into the active duty Army next week. With all my children have endured, with their fathers voluntary parental relinquishment and the abandonment issues. And the times were living in our van or a bus. Then when you read the odds of children raised in a single mother household. I have truly been blessed. My point in all of this is. All children required different types of discipline.  I am not saying you spoil one and allow that child to run wild and discipline the other. I am saying I don't care if its a timeout, a spanking (on the rear end), or a talk. You have to read your bible, pray and ask God to reveal the proper punishment for each one of your children. I promise you if you ask he will show you.  Here are a few scriptures to help you in your search to discipline the way God intended.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Proverbs 1:8-9 Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. 

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.

Proverbs 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13-14 (KJV) Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

I pray you are blessed by this posting today. And remember it's not Love Vs. Discipline. Discipline in love. They go hand and hand. And no matter what let your children know they are the apple of your eye and nothing they can do would make you love them any less. Question them yes! But, not love any less.

Life is short, God is Good and coffee if your friend,
Hollie Kate

Sources:

The Holy Bible, King James Version

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version

“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version^® (ESV^®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”

[1] Biblesoft’s New Exhaustive Strong’s Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.

[2] Thayer’s Greek Lexicon, Electronic Database. Copyright (c) 2000 by Biblesoft

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/20-important-bible-verses-for-parents/#ixzz2hF3IGiSf