October is Domestic Violence Awareness months. So, I would like to share my story.
Six months after I started dating a man named Allen, I had a dream. He and I faced each other in a small, living room where we had decided to move in together. We laughed as the kids played. Love was in the air, and life was good. We moved in together his son and my five children, two sons and three daughters. Yes, we had a house full!!
Then what I thought was without warning, Allen morphed into a demon. I screamed like a victim in a horror film as he flashed deadly, razor-sharp teeth. Allen chased me relentlessly, and I knew he wanted to kill me. My dream revealed what I already suspected in my heart but was terrified to face head-on: Allen was dangerous. The moment he started being more physical with me. It was beyond the pushing and shoving, name calling and picking on the kids. I felt it was too late, I was stuck. I made my bed and had to lie in it.
It seemed impossible. He was a pastor’s son, once a preacher himself, seemed financially stable and sociable. Sermons he had preached organized neatly in a box. He had a heart for God. He seemed so sincere and sweet. Surprising me with roses on occasion for no reason at all. He had a million-dollar smile, a quick wit and a great sense of humor. My friend had even commented how even-tempered he seemed. But one month after living together and seven months after my mom ran into Allen and his mom at a restaurant. Where my mom exchanged my number with Allen, I began to see the real Allen — charming on the outside, but a controlling, manipulating, verbally, mentally, sexually, emotionally and eventually physically abusive demon on the inside.
Gaining an understanding of what a man is truly like takes time. A pieces here, a piece there, until finally, through various experiences, I assembled a picture of who he was. Because I tend to believe the best of others, I was slow at collecting incriminating pieces about Allen. But after two years, exhausting years, I finally put together something that looked just like the demon in my dream.
Discovering his abusive nature
The first piece emerged not long after Allen and I started dating. At the time, I had no idea that his “leadership” was really control. I thought it was great that he wanted to help me and be “the man” in our relationship. Isn’t that what every woman wants — a Knight in Shining Armor? He negotiated a better deal on buys, asked me to attend this church his dad had recommended. At the time I didn’t understand or even ask why he didn’t want to attend the church he grew up in.
Finally, Allen showed up at my apartment unannounced to "help" solve a conflict with my son I’d spoken with him about. I knew then that something was desperately wrong. More episodes of his controlling temperament followed: He made me promise that I wouldn’t wear pants to work, raged when I wanted to travel to see my family for Christmas and screamed at me because I didn’t pay the amount he thought I should at a garage sale. One day, he even grabbed my breasts and announced, “These are mine!” I pushed his hands away. Made me promise on a daily basis my body was his and only his. That he was the best in bed that I had ever been with. He once handed me a five dollar bill after a great evening and love making, and said “Isn’t that what everyone else pays”. Still, I stayed with him. Why? Because I was ignorant about control and abuse, I didn’t think I deserved better and I didn’t trust my own judgment. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I discovered the second piece of the when we visited his mother, and there was not a day go by that we didn’t have to visit his mother. We even leased a house three blocks from his mother. It was then I realized he hated women. When we walked through her door, Allen snubbed his mother when he sat on the couch, and she spoke to him and ignored her while she greeted him. A siren went off in my head. When later he started yelling at her over something that was completely out of her control. He followed her to the other room and when she returned crying. He announced it was time to leave immediately. This was a regular scene. When we were at his mother’s house. Till this day I do not understand why she defends him.
All the comments he’d made about women came flooding back: “My mom is a foolish woman!” “My sister is a liar.” “Misty and Amber cheated on me.” And the one that should have given me the greatest reason to run the other direction: “My father was not able to keep my mother under his thumb.” Then there was the big “if you can’t be submissive and control you, we don’t need to be together”. Before we broke up, he even proudly announced that he was going to “find a good woman who hasn’t been contaminated by the world.”
Piece number three involved blame. Nothing was ever Allen's fault. Of course, I made him rage. He even said he couldn’t control his anger because I provoked him. Since he was always innocent, it shouldn’t have surprised me that, when I suggested counseling, he retorted, “No way! I’m not going to listen to any woman tell me what to do!” He even announced to my children how many sexual partners I had in my past and would proceed to tell my children and his “your mom is a whore”. A typical evening he would rage violently either physically or verbally most of the time both. He would insist you make love to him. And when you wouldn’t he would rant into a screaming rage for hours. Or wait until you fell asleep and pull the pillow out from under your head, pull the covers off of you, and pull you out of bed. I once slept on the couch due to his constant screaming. He then waited till I fell asleep and turned the couch completely over, throwing me in the floor. The torment would not end, until you “made love”. Then when he had a bad day at work; he would hurt you physically, emotionally or both he would say “turn off those tears, you’re not fooling me.”
What was I doing the entire time I was collecting pieces? I was praying pleading to God to change me, so Allen would be happy. Crying, peacemaking, encouraging and apologizing, attending anger management classes with him — over and over — for things that weren’t my fault. I also isolated myself from anyone who knew me well. Of course, I believed Allen's lies all along. He convinced me that I was getting too old. I had too many kids or was to fat for any other man and that our relationship was normal. After all, relationships are hard. Right? I once asked his mom what to do, I will forever have her advice ringing in my ear “Hun, if you do what he says, he wouldn’t have to do it’”
It didn’t make sense I had an excel spread sheet to account for every dime of MY paycheck. I don’t think I can even tell you what he made on his paychecks. I had to save all receipts. I had to account for my whereabouts at all times. I had to show all phone calls, text messages and be able to tell every detail of my conversations, yes even with my own mother. I was not allowed to see my sister who is a lesbian, without having to “pay for it” later. I was told her lesbian spirit would rub off on me. After his Dad passed away, my children were ordered not to mention their papa’s name again. Because his son has lost his papa.
I worked a full time job. He never had to ask for clean ironed clothes, dinner on the table. He never had to worry about the house being cleaned when he got home. I woke up two hours early just to see him off to work. Then I would spend those two hours preparing the house and making a dessert he could enjoy when he got off work, before me. I know I was not perfect and I would be lying if I said I never defended myself or my children I did.
In spite of all the things I did do, there was one thing I didn’t do — I didn’t get mad. If my "internal injustice detector" worked the way it should have been and my "self-esteem meter" ran smoothly, I would have allowed my rage to swell. From there, I would have harnessed that anger to tell Allen to get lost.
When we dated, anger wasn't an option; now I know this is wrong! I’ve learned that when used constructively, anger is a powerful tool to protect myself and others. Not too long after I’d assembled all the pieces, and then I mustered the courage to put myself to work for positive change.
Then I blamed myself because in this two year relationship I married him not once but twice. Why? I was convinced by church elders, and friends I was a destructive path to hell. He was my husband and I was to stay, go back and to work it out. After my first 13 year marriage .I vowed I was never getting married again. And if I did it was forever. I also had to show everyone I can make this work. Who wants to look like a failure, especially with a second marriage? Even when people tried to help me out, I was not ready. It scary, and your fearful. Yes, it does sound bad especially compared to the situation you are in. When you beaten down, abused and convinced of everything you hear for two years. You start to believe it. So then out there is just as frightening as staying.
Escaping the abuse
Allen and I had just arrived at his home after shopping. He raged at me as we sat in his truck for a reason I can’t remember. What I do remember is that an ocean of tears streamed down my cheeks as I sliently cried. He didn’t care. He didn’t stop. He just kept attacking me. “You’re the most argumentative woman I have ever met!" he screamed. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the injustice of abuse. It freed me from this man. I finally stood up for myself. Without missing a beat, I called my mom, my sister came and a few other family members came and we got what we could In the back of a pickup and SUV. Till this day he refuses to give me my children’s, bedroom furniture. Or anything I had before our relationship. I know they are materialistic and I have come to terms with it. We escaped, were alive and healthy.
Since leaving the abuse occurred one other time. Immediately following court he came to my apartment, violating a Protection order that had been put in place. There are days I hear a song, smell his cologne, and see a friend and the emotions, of fear, anxiousness, and some physical pain returns. We are still in and out of court and I have to see him. I will admit it is hard. His smug attitude, his smirks and he stares in intimidation. He truly believes he has done nothing wrong. I take medication for panic attacks which they say is from PTSD, I do have some medications I rarely take for the neck pain from an injury cause by the abuse. I could not list everything that was done, for one there is not enough time today and I have to keep this PG!!
I’m not putting this out there for people to feel sorry for me, or to make him look bad. My counselor says it’s the first step in healing. Making my story known. And if I can help one woman or one child to understand the signs of abuse and save someone from the hurt an pain abuse causes, then it is worth it. So do your homework on someone your dating, weather male or female. Listen to your heart and your friends........
This was written over a year ago. Looking back I would have never thought I would be where I am today. I no longer take any medications for anxiety or PTSD, nor do I take medications for pain other than over the counter medications. I no longer go to counseling. I have a well paying full time stable employment as a TMS Coordinator for a reputable company in Waco, Texas. I live in my own place with my children. I currently have a new car, my first brand new car ever. I pay my bills without the assistance of any state funded program. I am happy, healthy and blessed.
Since then he has plead guilty to four violent felonies. He pays fines. Goes to court ordered counseling and is on 10 years probation. You think upon sentencing you will somehow have closure miraculously and instantaneously feel fine. That is not what happens and In the midst of the chaos of the domestic situation it seems impossible to be a happy functional whole person again. In time you can and you will be. No, you will not be the same person. You will be a better version of you. Because you are a survivor. And no one can take that confidence away from you. Surround yourself with prayerful loving, supportive, positive people. Pray, pray, pray spend time in the word. Ask God to help direct your steps.
In the word it says;
"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me 2 Corinthians 12:9
For peace, comfort and understanding. He loves you, don't give up on him or quit trusting his timing. For in Isaiah 42:16. it says he will make your crooked paths straight, I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, and crooked places straight." i promise you will get there.
I know now God allows us to endure things in our life that may be hurtful. Including Mental, verbal and even physical hurt. It is not to punish us. But to help us. Help us become the person he created us to be. The person he sees within us. The one deep down inside that would not have surfaced without suffering. But in the end In Jeremiah 29:11 he says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
As a domestic Violence survivor I can reach and help more women and children to help. To pray with and relate to. I can spread his word. The glory of his love, his grace and comfort in only a way he can. I pray you are blessed by my story. Feel free to share. I give all credit, glory and honor to God. He gave me strength to endure this road. He broke me and built me back up into the person he needed/wanted/created me to be. And for this I am grateful and glorify him.
Remember life is short, God is good and coffee is your friend,
Hollie Kate
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