Good Morning......
We have revamped and been renamed. I wanted to redirect this blog to my new blog at Wordpress.com.
All blog post published are written and owned by Hollie McCalip at the link below
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Please come on over and check out my new blog posts at Rootsanwings with wordpress.
Thank you all for reading and following me.
Much love..
https://wordpress.com/view/rootsanwings.wordpress.com
Monday, October 30, 2017
Monday, May 2, 2016
Introducing......
Allow me to take a moment to introduce the newest member of our family.....
Matthew Leon Samuel Hendrickson, blessed us with his perfect presence on April 9th, 2016 at 12:59 AM. Tipping the scales at 8 pounds and 13.5 ounces, and 21 inches.
We couldn't be prouder of this blessing from God. We are looking forward to the many adventures we will embark on together.
Matthew Leon Samuel Hendrickson, blessed us with his perfect presence on April 9th, 2016 at 12:59 AM. Tipping the scales at 8 pounds and 13.5 ounces, and 21 inches.
We couldn't be prouder of this blessing from God. We are looking forward to the many adventures we will embark on together.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
A "daddy" for the night.....
Today's blog is a bit different. I just want to briefly share a story that has completely touched my heart and forever changed my nine year old.
Kielee Joy will be ten this year. Yes ten, the dreaded double my baby is no longer a baby digits. Truly a bittersweet age. She has surpassed the little girl stage and is wildly flourishing into a beautiful, Jesus loving, gentle spirited, kind-hearted, determined, wise beyond her years young lady. I'm grateful and proud to be her mom. With that being said, most know Kielee has had an absentee father her entire life. I'll make it clear I'm not bashing him, only stating an obvious fact. When the annual father daughter date night at church was announced she was saddened. Then the many, so many questions arose, of why he wasn't here. I why he doesn't want her. I answered them the best I could without amplifying or minimizing her concerns and emotions. This is something that is a regular occurrence and a temporary fix. A week or so prior to this "date night" a lovely sweet spirited, giving couldn't asked for a better pastor and substitute "daddy" called asking my permission to accompany Kielee to the father daughter date night. With my permission he then asked Kielee for the honor to accompany her to this special event. Even more special because Kielee had never attended a father daughter anything, ever! He drove up in a corvette he borrowed for the occasion. What girl wouldn't love that?!? Picking her up at the door like a gentleman should. Gave her a very heartfelt special one of kind designed gift, just for Kielee. The card its self had a beautifully hand written straight to any girls heart message. He opened her door, helped her in the car and off they went. I had helped at the event, in the kitchen and periodically "Spied", (he,he). I watched with tear filled eyes and a big smile as she soaked up every ounce of what having a daddy is like. She was truly on cloud nine. They ate, talked and dance the night away. When arriving home after magical night he walked her to the door, stating what a wonderful night he had. After he left she began telling me "we drove around in the corvette, he pulled out my chair like on tv". I then asked why she was so nervous prior to the "date" she said something that would break the hardest of hearts "I was afraid I wouldn't be enough!" I asked her how she felt at that moment, after the night ended, her reply "it was magical!" With that statement I have to give a huge shout out to our Pastor Joe Finfrock for making my nine year old feel like the princess she is, and letting her know she is enough just as she is. Created and perfectly designed by God himself. The best "Daddy" and godly example for any little girl.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Bible Journal (ing), Right or Wrong?
When 2014 turned into 2015 I decided to focus on two things in 2015. These two things were spiritual and physical fitness. I'm not talking about "fitness this whole pizza in my mouth" kind of fitness. I am talking about the, I want to feel decent in my skin, head and heart kind of fitness. So, in February I embarked on this new adventure. Like any adventure in life, there were ups, downs, valleys and peaks. With improvement in both areas. I have to admit both are still a work in progress. They say any progress is better than no progress at all (right!? yay, me!).
Physically, first I am the WORST dieter EVER!!! Seriously, if they gave awards for this, I'd have a medal of honor. Maybe, a library named in my honor. Yes, that bad! Well, I decided to decrease my sugar and carbohydrate intake. As well as increased my physical activity. With Gods help, I lost. It was not easy, let me tell you NOT. EASY. There were fits of HANGRY moments, very ugly toddler moments. I had bad let me sit on the floor, fridge door open and literally shoveling in everything in the fridge. Complete with chocolate dripping from my chin. No, worries though, I had enough donuts to soak up the chocolate. These days would have been so easy to wallow in my HANGRY misconduct. But, couldn't! Had to pull of those big girl (literally) panties and move forward. These hangry days were followed by days of fitness perfection. Angels singing, hallelujah perfection. Yes,till this day there are days french fries and double fudge chocolate cake whisper lovely sweet nothings in my ear. Ever read the Song of Solomon? Well, I am positive that Song of Solomon was written about my love for food. But, again with Gods help GOAL MET at 60 pounds down (whoop! whoop!) All glory to God. Goal of 45 more for 2016. However, I do not feel my physical fitness is about a number on a scale. It's about feeling happy, healthy and good in my skin.
As I embarked on the new physical fitness adventure, I included more importantly my spiritual journey. Let me just start with once upon a time way back when, I was a cup of Jezebel, a dash of Rahab and a few ounces of Delilah. You could say I was spiritually a one woman wrecking ball. Your initial reaction is to judge me. Which is okay, I'd do, did the same.
In the midst of the wrecking ball life, I had a inner desire to be more like Mary. Once a good church girl who was blinded by what the world had to offer me. Seriously, without morals, standards and a conscious the world is the literally the best playground out there. The problem is, it's Satan's playground. A huge fun bright shiny world so full of empty promises and disappointments. Similar to smoking pot and getting drunk. Everything is funnier, taste better, looks better (beer goggles) and easier to do without feeling bad about it. But, in the end you wake up with a headache, in unknown places with unknown people who truly do not care about you as a person. Ill, lonely and guilt ridden. Yep, me, me and me again. Several years ago, Surprised? Don't be, more people than you realize has been there.
I had begun by finding a church I felt comfortable in. I started volunteering with the youth. Even began a bible study for women. In the midst of "teaching" these women I had realized never really learned how to study the word. I didn't know as much as I thought. I knew what it said, but not where to find it. Sorta, defeats the purpose. I began seeking how I should study from others. I wanted to do it right, to learn as much as possible. In an attempt to bring myself closer to God. With all the new "right" way to study I was more confused than when I started and overwhelmed. Which made me no closer to God than before this impossible feat. I asked a more people just to be sure. Who felt because I grew up in church I should know the word, front to back. That my walk with him should be closer. Well, wrong, wrong and wrong again.
Finally, (this year) I did what I should have done in the beginning. I began to pray about it. I wanted God to show me the right way to study his word. I wanted to know as much as I could. I wanted and still want to know all of it. Every ounce. I didn't just want to study, I wanted to remember what I studied. This is something I recommend to anyone who wants to increase their walk or have a more intimate walk with God.
First thing I learned is studying is similar to prayer. It's a conversation between you and God. Prayer is a verbal conversation. Studying is a non-verbal communication. Guess, what there isn't a right or wrong way. When you increase your prayer life and time in the word. God reveals what you need to know.
But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matthew 6:6
For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20
All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. 2 Timothy 3:16
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, Philippians 2:12
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11
These are not random scriptures. They are scriptures that helped me understand there is no specific way to pray or study. No right or wrong way. So, I use bible journaling (art work) because it helps ME to remember what I've read. When I was in college, my psychology professor said when studying use bright colors. It's proven to help you recall what you read. I have found this to be true. I also find myself contemplating what exactly the scripture means while I journal. As you can tell I am not the best artist. But, it works for me and glorifies God. Which is what matters.
My personal from experience advice for anyone who is wanting to increase their physical and/or spiritual life.
Do what works for you. As long as you are not starving yourself physically or spiritually there is NO right or wrong way. God created us uniquely. We are all one of a kind. Therefore, I can only think we must learn and become physically healthy uniquely. As long as you are seeing positive results Spiritually physically or both, do NOT be discouraged. Keep going.... And, when you make a mistake forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness and keep moving. My prayer today is this blog helps someone know it's okay. Do what works for YOU!
God is great and coffee is your friend,
Hollie Kate
Physically, first I am the WORST dieter EVER!!! Seriously, if they gave awards for this, I'd have a medal of honor. Maybe, a library named in my honor. Yes, that bad! Well, I decided to decrease my sugar and carbohydrate intake. As well as increased my physical activity. With Gods help, I lost. It was not easy, let me tell you NOT. EASY. There were fits of HANGRY moments, very ugly toddler moments. I had bad let me sit on the floor, fridge door open and literally shoveling in everything in the fridge. Complete with chocolate dripping from my chin. No, worries though, I had enough donuts to soak up the chocolate. These days would have been so easy to wallow in my HANGRY misconduct. But, couldn't! Had to pull of those big girl (literally) panties and move forward. These hangry days were followed by days of fitness perfection. Angels singing, hallelujah perfection. Yes,till this day there are days french fries and double fudge chocolate cake whisper lovely sweet nothings in my ear. Ever read the Song of Solomon? Well, I am positive that Song of Solomon was written about my love for food. But, again with Gods help GOAL MET at 60 pounds down (whoop! whoop!) All glory to God. Goal of 45 more for 2016. However, I do not feel my physical fitness is about a number on a scale. It's about feeling happy, healthy and good in my skin.
As I embarked on the new physical fitness adventure, I included more importantly my spiritual journey. Let me just start with once upon a time way back when, I was a cup of Jezebel, a dash of Rahab and a few ounces of Delilah. You could say I was spiritually a one woman wrecking ball. Your initial reaction is to judge me. Which is okay, I'd do, did the same.
In the midst of the wrecking ball life, I had a inner desire to be more like Mary. Once a good church girl who was blinded by what the world had to offer me. Seriously, without morals, standards and a conscious the world is the literally the best playground out there. The problem is, it's Satan's playground. A huge fun bright shiny world so full of empty promises and disappointments. Similar to smoking pot and getting drunk. Everything is funnier, taste better, looks better (beer goggles) and easier to do without feeling bad about it. But, in the end you wake up with a headache, in unknown places with unknown people who truly do not care about you as a person. Ill, lonely and guilt ridden. Yep, me, me and me again. Several years ago, Surprised? Don't be, more people than you realize has been there.
I had begun by finding a church I felt comfortable in. I started volunteering with the youth. Even began a bible study for women. In the midst of "teaching" these women I had realized never really learned how to study the word. I didn't know as much as I thought. I knew what it said, but not where to find it. Sorta, defeats the purpose. I began seeking how I should study from others. I wanted to do it right, to learn as much as possible. In an attempt to bring myself closer to God. With all the new "right" way to study I was more confused than when I started and overwhelmed. Which made me no closer to God than before this impossible feat. I asked a more people just to be sure. Who felt because I grew up in church I should know the word, front to back. That my walk with him should be closer. Well, wrong, wrong and wrong again.
Finally, (this year) I did what I should have done in the beginning. I began to pray about it. I wanted God to show me the right way to study his word. I wanted to know as much as I could. I wanted and still want to know all of it. Every ounce. I didn't just want to study, I wanted to remember what I studied. This is something I recommend to anyone who wants to increase their walk or have a more intimate walk with God.
First thing I learned is studying is similar to prayer. It's a conversation between you and God. Prayer is a verbal conversation. Studying is a non-verbal communication. Guess, what there isn't a right or wrong way. When you increase your prayer life and time in the word. God reveals what you need to know.
But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matthew 6:6
For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20
All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. 2 Timothy 3:16
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, Philippians 2:12
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11
These are not random scriptures. They are scriptures that helped me understand there is no specific way to pray or study. No right or wrong way. So, I use bible journaling (art work) because it helps ME to remember what I've read. When I was in college, my psychology professor said when studying use bright colors. It's proven to help you recall what you read. I have found this to be true. I also find myself contemplating what exactly the scripture means while I journal. As you can tell I am not the best artist. But, it works for me and glorifies God. Which is what matters.
My personal from experience advice for anyone who is wanting to increase their physical and/or spiritual life.
Do what works for you. As long as you are not starving yourself physically or spiritually there is NO right or wrong way. God created us uniquely. We are all one of a kind. Therefore, I can only think we must learn and become physically healthy uniquely. As long as you are seeing positive results Spiritually physically or both, do NOT be discouraged. Keep going.... And, when you make a mistake forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness and keep moving. My prayer today is this blog helps someone know it's okay. Do what works for YOU!
God is great and coffee is your friend,
Hollie Kate
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Religion Vs. Relationship
***Before you begin reading......This blog is NOT about accepting Islamic Muslims. It is NOT about allowing these refugees to enter the U.S. or not. We are also called to be wise and seek him in all we do. We are called to pray for our leaders, and trust that everything is in Gods hands. We've read the book Genesis to Revelation, God WINS, bottom line. We act surprised when beheading are taking place. Because we fail to remember that bible clearly states this will happen. That would be different blog for a different day.****
I am sure there will be people who want to argue this.... begin a religious debate. I am not entertaining a religious debate. I am fed up with religion. The people who claim only one "religion" is going to heaven. Uh...let me say, I can assure you some of you will be shocked, surprised and confused if/when arriving to heaven and seeing, several religious affiliations who were baptized in Jesus name, walking those same streets of gold. Oh, what a day that will be (yes, I just sang that!)
I was raised in a Pentecostal home. A very strict hell fire and brimstone Pentecostal , bring down the hammer, (yes, just said that in my best WWE voice) type house. I've been a member of an Assembly of God, and baptist. I've attended a catholic Church as well. Currently a member of a Baptist church I am not saying any one of these "religions" are wrong. I am not say anyone is right. What I am saying is this......
Religion is man made. Not God made. I've never read a scripture and believe me I've looked. Religion causes division and confusion. God is the author of peace and unification of his people. In 1 Corinthians 14:33 it it clear, saying, "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints" . We are called to Love one another, and into a relationship with him. Not a religion with him. John 13:34 says, A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. Proverbs 8:17 I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me. Any, religion, pastor or person teaching and justifying and condoning hate, discontentment and discord is not seeking or praising the same God we read about in the bible. Growing up we were taught to fear God. Not as in reverence. It was a fear that was created by man. A fear that if we did not obey all the "rules & laws" he would literally smite us. Figuring I was too imperfect, and could never live up to Gods expectations, why should I bother? God loves us, as we love our children. He desires a relationship with us. He loves when we talk to him, seek him for advice. Just as we do when our children reach out to us.
vg
It took me many years. Unhappy years in church. Singing, praising and serving with a hesitant and very unhappy heart. Finally, leaving it all behind. Determined to find that joy, peace and happiness wherever, with whomever I could. Spent several unhappy years seeking joy, peace and happiness in the world, before I picked up my bible and studied for myself what God wants, and requires from us. I know so many people who leave church because of religion. Why, it's confusing. It is scary. It is not worth it. Seriously!??!! People believe this. And, it wasn't just me. There is a whole world full of lost and hurting people who are turning to drugs, alcohol and sex in a slight attempt to feel something. To feel the love, acceptance and peace that can only be found in the arm of the father. Not everyone has a seed planted as a child. Then they are hit with all the religious mambo jumbo. And, run.... Yes, run like Forrest Gump.
Because of that seed, when the bottom fell out of my rock bottom. I decided to seek for myself. See an ye shall find, right? YES, right! Once I learned it is all about a relationship with Christ and not religion, learned his desires for us, with us and in us. My relationship with him truly began. I began to fear the Lord as in reverence to him. I learned a love through respect. I learned my prayers do not have to be eloquent, nor do they have to be long and drawn out. They only have to be sincere. The rest came natural. Listed are a few scriptures that help me find my way. Helped me realize it is a relationship NOT religion.
Proverbs 1:7 - The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of knowledge: [but] fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Proverbs 8:13 - The fear of the LORD [is] to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.
Matthew 10:28 - And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.
Ecclesiastes 12:13 - Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this [is] the whole [duty] of man.
Proverbs 14:26 - In the fear of the LORD [is] strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge.
Job 28:28 - And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that [is] wisdom; and to depart from evil [is] understanding.
Psalms 33:8 - Let all the earth fear the LORD: let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him.
Deuteronomy 10:12 - And now, Israel, what doth the LORD thy God require of thee, but to fear the LORD thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the LORD thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul,
Proverbs 14:27 - The fear of the LORD [is] a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death.
Proverbs 3:7 - Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
Psalms 25:14 - The secret of the LORD [is] with them that fear him; and he will shew them his covenant.
Luke 1:50 - And his mercy [is] on them that fear him from generation to generation.
Psalms 111:10 - The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do [his commandments]: his praise endureth for ever.
Psalms 86:11 - Teach me thy way, O LORD; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name.
Isaiah 41:10 - Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
In Philippians 2:12 it says "Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling".
Today, I pray this blog helps/blesses someone who may be struggling with relationship vs. religion today. I pray that you will seek it for yourself. Talk with someone you trust. To learn as much as you can. To help you understand only a relationship with Christ can help your road to heaven. Do lose heart, seek God and continue to grow.....
Blessings,
Hollie Kate
I am sure there will be people who want to argue this.... begin a religious debate. I am not entertaining a religious debate. I am fed up with religion. The people who claim only one "religion" is going to heaven. Uh...let me say, I can assure you some of you will be shocked, surprised and confused if/when arriving to heaven and seeing, several religious affiliations who were baptized in Jesus name, walking those same streets of gold. Oh, what a day that will be (yes, I just sang that!)
I was raised in a Pentecostal home. A very strict hell fire and brimstone Pentecostal , bring down the hammer, (yes, just said that in my best WWE voice) type house. I've been a member of an Assembly of God, and baptist. I've attended a catholic Church as well. Currently a member of a Baptist church I am not saying any one of these "religions" are wrong. I am not say anyone is right. What I am saying is this......
Religion is man made. Not God made. I've never read a scripture and believe me I've looked. Religion causes division and confusion. God is the author of peace and unification of his people. In 1 Corinthians 14:33 it it clear, saying, "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints" . We are called to Love one another, and into a relationship with him. Not a religion with him. John 13:34 says, A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. Proverbs 8:17 I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me. Any, religion, pastor or person teaching and justifying and condoning hate, discontentment and discord is not seeking or praising the same God we read about in the bible. Growing up we were taught to fear God. Not as in reverence. It was a fear that was created by man. A fear that if we did not obey all the "rules & laws" he would literally smite us. Figuring I was too imperfect, and could never live up to Gods expectations, why should I bother? God loves us, as we love our children. He desires a relationship with us. He loves when we talk to him, seek him for advice. Just as we do when our children reach out to us.
vg
It took me many years. Unhappy years in church. Singing, praising and serving with a hesitant and very unhappy heart. Finally, leaving it all behind. Determined to find that joy, peace and happiness wherever, with whomever I could. Spent several unhappy years seeking joy, peace and happiness in the world, before I picked up my bible and studied for myself what God wants, and requires from us. I know so many people who leave church because of religion. Why, it's confusing. It is scary. It is not worth it. Seriously!??!! People believe this. And, it wasn't just me. There is a whole world full of lost and hurting people who are turning to drugs, alcohol and sex in a slight attempt to feel something. To feel the love, acceptance and peace that can only be found in the arm of the father. Not everyone has a seed planted as a child. Then they are hit with all the religious mambo jumbo. And, run.... Yes, run like Forrest Gump.
Because of that seed, when the bottom fell out of my rock bottom. I decided to seek for myself. See an ye shall find, right? YES, right! Once I learned it is all about a relationship with Christ and not religion, learned his desires for us, with us and in us. My relationship with him truly began. I began to fear the Lord as in reverence to him. I learned a love through respect. I learned my prayers do not have to be eloquent, nor do they have to be long and drawn out. They only have to be sincere. The rest came natural. Listed are a few scriptures that help me find my way. Helped me realize it is a relationship NOT religion.
Proverbs 1:7 - The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of knowledge: [but] fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Proverbs 8:13 - The fear of the LORD [is] to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.
Matthew 10:28 - And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.
Ecclesiastes 12:13 - Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this [is] the whole [duty] of man.
Proverbs 14:26 - In the fear of the LORD [is] strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge.
Job 28:28 - And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that [is] wisdom; and to depart from evil [is] understanding.
Psalms 33:8 - Let all the earth fear the LORD: let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him.
Deuteronomy 10:12 - And now, Israel, what doth the LORD thy God require of thee, but to fear the LORD thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the LORD thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul,
Proverbs 14:27 - The fear of the LORD [is] a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death.
Proverbs 3:7 - Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
Psalms 25:14 - The secret of the LORD [is] with them that fear him; and he will shew them his covenant.
Luke 1:50 - And his mercy [is] on them that fear him from generation to generation.
Psalms 111:10 - The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do [his commandments]: his praise endureth for ever.
Psalms 86:11 - Teach me thy way, O LORD; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name.
Isaiah 41:10 - Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
In Philippians 2:12 it says "Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling".
Today, I pray this blog helps/blesses someone who may be struggling with relationship vs. religion today. I pray that you will seek it for yourself. Talk with someone you trust. To learn as much as you can. To help you understand only a relationship with Christ can help your road to heaven. Do lose heart, seek God and continue to grow.....
Blessings,
Hollie Kate
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Hard Divorce Lessons Learned..... (posted previoulsy, admended and reposted)
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| Photo Credits to Kelly Hendrickson |
I posted this a while back.... I've chosen to add to it. Then re-post it. I share custody of one of my daughters with my dad. We have joint custody. All these apply in this situation as well. He is my parent. She is his granddaughter. Not your average custody agreement. But, with it comes the same issues. Especially when his current wife, it new to the family and three months older than I am. Make for a very different situation. But, through a lot of heartache, tears, anger and aggravation. When you dealing with custody issues in general there is so many emotions involved. When you are in this particular situation the hurt, anger and aggravation is deeper. You are dealing with family. Not, exes. I've learned it takes a village sometimes. And, sometimes the best thing for a child is someone you may not care for. That is when we most definitely put ourselves aside for the sake of our children. So, regardless of your unique custody arrangements. All these still apply. And, never let anyone make you feel bad for not understanding a situation they've never been in themselves. Continue to do what works for you. Attempt to keep the "lessons I learned in my divorce in mind"
For those of us that have been divorced, some more than once. Hand up! Guilty right here. Yes, I shamefully admit I’ve been divorced more than once. I learned quite a bit from both of my divorces, however the one I am referring to today is my first divorce. The only divorce involving children. Four of my five beautiful children. When you are going through a divorce it is so hard to see past the current hurt and emotions. It does not matter if the divorce petition was filed by your or the other party there is still plenty of hurt, disappointments and emotions to deal with. That is just when it only involves the two parties. When you add children in to the mix you have so much more. I can promise you neither party is innocent. It does not matter your age when entering or exiting the marriage, neither party is innocent. Of course his friends and family will side with him condoning all of his actions as well as her friends with her. In the midst of all the hurt, drama, disappointments and confusion, it is the children who suffer. We are mature enough to comprehend the situation for the most part. They are not!! I think in my first marriage; I was excellent hiding any fights and disagreements. The reason I say this is my oldest was 13 when his father and I divorced and a year or so ago (8 years after our divorce) he says “mom I was so surprised when you and dad got divorced.” I of course asked why. His reply “because we never seen you fight or argue.” My thought for a split second was, wow I must have done a great job hiding and disguising our disagreements, that makes me the good parent. This did not make me a good parent. Nor does it make me innocent by any means. Since our separation and divorce we have both made our fair share of mistakes. I cannot speak for him. I am only speaking for myself. Divorce is hard, just as hard as making a marriage work. Not only do you still have to work together for the children’s sake but you have to do it around the emotions. It’s hard period!! I would tell myself this has to be a godly divorce. Uh really?!? I must have been temporarily insane. There is not such a thing as a godly divorce. A peaceful transition, yes! But a godly divorce, no! Before I receive message and emails regarding that statement I will say. I do believe there are biblical reasons for divorce. My second divorce my pastor gave me permission to file and finalize the divorce. So, yes I believe there are reasons God would allow divorce. He hates divorce, YES! But sometimes it is necessary (life threatening situations). However, that is for a whole other day/blog. So, I would like to share a few things I learned the hard way through my divorce. In hopes my mistakes may help someone else. And Yes I know there will be some situations these may not apply. There are not listed in any particular order.
1. Take your children and yourself to church. Attend a class for divorce care. They specifically designed a separate divorce care class for children. If it was an abusive relationship get counseling specifically for your situation. (another blog for another day).
2. Never for any reason bad mouth, talk down about, or even insinuate the other parent is less than a good person. Even if they are your thoughts. Half of your child’s genetic makeup is from the other parent. Don’t let them think half of them are less than anything amazing.
3. When you begin dating never allow the boyfriend/girlfriend around your children. When you carefully decided it is time. Make sure it is a social setting with lots of people. And, very important keep the displays of affection out of the equations completely. It keeps you and your relationship pure. And, your children have only seen you with their other parent. And, children love both parents unconditionally. This will hurt them, I promise!
4. Never for any reason go through your child for anything. I don’t care if it’s a lost coat, lost keys a pick up time or any other questions or inquiry you may have. Go directly to the other parent. Not only do messages get construed, remember the old telephone game. Children also have a tendency to tell the other parent what they think they might want to hear. Because they love you and want you to be happy. Which is why #2 is so important. This often leads to other questions ones that do not apply to your child. Listen to what your child has to say when they come home, then simply say “I am so glad you had a wonderful time with your Mom/Dad”. Even if you are not thinking it. And, one of the things I hated was/is. Having to go through his wife regarding "MY" children. Well, they are married. She is not taking your place with your children. However, she is taking your place with your now Ex-husband. They are now a team. Sometimes this is necessary.
5. Never miss a pick up date or time. It does not matter if you are the custodial or non-custodial parent. I don’t care if the plans have to be made weeks in advance. If you do miss it, personally call or talk to your child prior to it. And make arrangements to make it up to him/her. Then keep that date. Do not allow this child left to wondering. Children are imaginative and will imagine the worst. They will be hurt, unwanted and need the stability of your presence.
6. Never attempt to buy a child’s love. If you are the non-custodial parent so you only have every other weekend, holidays or just summers. It is not the quantity of time but the quality of time. There is so much truth in it’s not what you buy a child it is the time you spent with a child. Your child will not remember what your present. They will remember your presence.
7. When you are with your child even on a short visit do not be busy with other things (work, friends, other family, boyfriend/girlfriend). Make it a priority to be with your child. Do something fun with your child/children. If finances are an issue. Plan a picnic in the park, a board game night indoors making cookies, or homemade pizza.
8. When and if you re-marry do not allow your child to call the new spouse mom/dad. Even if the child’s other parent is deceased, incarcerated or just not around. They have two biological parents. They need to be reassured the new mom/dad is not trying to replace a parent. Even if we no longer love or even like that other parent, you child will unconditionally love them.
9. If the ex-spouse relinquishes parental rights for any reason. Do not let the parent come and go in the child’s life. They made the decision and it only causes misunderstandings, confusion and instability in the child’s life. Never tell the child they are not wanted, there will be enough abandonment issues. And, once again no matter how you feel about the ex-spouse they are genetically apart of that child. Do not let your child hear anything negative about the ex-spouse. The hardest thing I think I’ve had to say to my children is “he is not a bad person, he just made a bad choice” because it was the farthest thing from what I was thinking. And, still is.
10. No matter how your family or friends feel about your ex-spouse do not allow negative conversations about the ex-spouse to be discussed. Even if you think your child is outside, upstairs or not paying attention. They are listening even when you think they are not. Children can be mean and they are little recorders and repeat at the best times. And you don’t want another child to repeat what they heard. I've had to stop conversations between my family members more than once.
11. If you have been “guilty” of any of these things, remember it is not too late to sit your children down and apologize and let them know they are loved by both parents. Ask them to forgive you. Let them know you will make a conscious effort to change the way and what you think about the ex-spouse. I promise your children will learn a great lesson. They will have a new respect for you.
I am by far a professional not holding any degrees in these areas. Only a parent who has made my fair share of mistakes at the cost of my children’s emotions. And one relationship with a son of mine. I pray this blog will bless or help someone who may be struggling in a similar situation. If you are in a situation similar do not hesitate to email me or comment with your email.
Blessings,
Hollie Kate.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Mixed Thank You's!
Madison my middle daughter gave me a “Thank you” note after church last night. I always love their little notes. They always make my day. This one like many others was bittersweet. I sometimes struggle with the fact their father relinquished his rights to them. His decision wasn’t a forced decision but a voluntary one. These were not children that resulted in a one night stand. But, a thirteen year marriage. So, my understanding or lack of, relinquishing your rights due to the fact you no longer want to deal with the person you created this children with is NOT a valid reason for this decision. I am not mad. I am not upset. I am not hurt, other than for my children.
I am grateful God gave me the opportunity to be their mom. The honor of being front row in all they do. Yes, even on the days I am wondering if he knew what he was doing. Those days, you want to hurt them but don't because you love them. Those days you understand why animals sometimes eat their young. Those days!! Because, I as most single parents often wonder; am I screwing them up? This particular note Madison gave me last night, made me stop and think. Within days of getting these notes, normally comes tears and questions. I usually, make excuses for him. I usually just dry tears and hold them. Because, How do I explain this to them. How do I help them without saying what is really on my mind?
Well, as I sat on my bed with notebook in one hand, and my bible in the other. I just read. Looking up scripture only God himself could have laid on my heart. Let’s face it, I’ll admit I’ve read my bible. I’ve studied my bible. But, being able to find scripture the way I did. Well, that is just not me.
As a parent, like any normal parent you want you kids to always feel loved, wanted and secure in who they are. Secure in where they came from. When someone who is biologically programed to love them abandoned them, or “throws” them away. Regardless of the reason they will always be a amount of not feeling wanted. Not feeling good enough. Not feeling complete. My nine year old told me a few weeks ago, kids at school were talking about their dads. Talking about how their dads are fun and always there. She proceeds to tell me with crocodile tears “Momma not having a dad makes me feel incomplete!” Now, how on earth does someone respond to this. You don’t, you just love them. It’s something nothing can prepare you for. No amount of training or schooling can prepare you for the heartache you feel when you child ask you this.
When you are at a loss for words, only God himself can give you the words to help comfort them. To show the love they need.
In Isaiah 41:9-10, It says “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are mine'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;”
Again in Isaiah 43:1-2 there it is ….. But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Then in Jeremiah 31:3 it says"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
Romans 8:38-39 says….For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Psalm 68:5-6 says A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing
No in one scripture anywhere in the bible does it say, when I’ll love you until something better comes along. Nor does it say, I will replace you with another. It does not say, I am here for you until i get busy, remarried or have other options. God just loves, with, an every lasting love. constant love. unconditional. never ending. unwavering love. No matter who abandons them. No matter who has or will fail them. God will love them. He will never abandon them. He will never fail them. Their best interest is always at heart.
Not just today, day nineteen I am thankful for the promises of God’s word. The promise that he will be a father to the fatherless. Thankful, he provides us with the words we need, when we are lacking wisdom and words.
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