Mixed Thank You's!

Madison my middle daughter gave me a “Thank you” note after church last night. I always love their little notes. They always make my day. This one like many others was bittersweet. I sometimes struggle with the fact their father relinquished his rights to them. His decision wasn’t a forced decision but a voluntary one. These were not children that resulted in a one night stand. But, a thirteen year marriage. So, my understanding or lack of, relinquishing your rights due to the fact you no longer want to deal with the person you created this children with is NOT a valid reason for this decision.  I am not mad. I am not upset. I am not hurt, other than for my children. 

I am grateful God gave me the opportunity to be their mom. The honor of being front row in all they do. Yes, even on the days I am wondering if he knew what he was doing. Those days, you want to hurt them but don't because you love them. Those days you understand why animals sometimes eat their young. Those days!! Because, I as most single parents often wonder; am I screwing them up? This particular note Madison gave me last night, made me stop and think. Within days of getting these notes, normally comes tears and questions. I usually, make excuses for him. I usually just dry tears and hold them. Because,  How do I explain this to them. How do I help them without saying what is really on my mind? 

Well, as I sat on my bed with notebook in one hand, and my bible in the other. I just read. Looking up scripture only God himself could have laid on my heart. Let’s face it, I’ll admit I’ve read my bible. I’ve studied my bible. But, being able to find scripture the way I did. Well, that is just not me. 

As a parent, like any normal parent you want you kids to always feel loved, wanted and secure in who they are. Secure in where they came from.  When someone who is biologically programed to love them abandoned them, or “throws” them away. Regardless of the reason they will always be a amount of not feeling wanted. Not feeling good enough. Not feeling complete. My nine year old told me a few weeks ago, kids at school were talking about their dads. Talking about how their dads are fun and always there. She proceeds to tell me with crocodile tears “Momma not having a dad makes me feel incomplete!” Now, how on earth does someone respond to this. You don’t, you just love them.  It’s something nothing can prepare you for. No amount of training or schooling can prepare you for the heartache you feel when you child ask you this. 

When you are at a loss for words, only God himself can give you the words to help comfort them. To show the love they need. 

In Isaiah 41:9-10, It says “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are mine'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;”

Again in Isaiah 43:1-2 there it is ….. But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Then in Jeremiah 31:3 it says"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

Romans 8:38-39 says….For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 68:5-6 says A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing

No in one scripture anywhere in the bible does it say, when I’ll love you until something better comes along. Nor does it say, I will replace you with another.  It does not say, I am here for you until i get busy, remarried or have other options.  God just loves, with, an every lasting love. constant love. unconditional. never ending. unwavering love. No matter who abandons them. No matter who has or will fail them. God will love them. He will never abandon them. He will never fail them. Their best interest is always at heart. 

Not just today, day nineteen I am thankful for the promises of God’s word. The promise that he will be a father to the fatherless. Thankful, he provides us with the words we need, when we are lacking wisdom and words. 

Chaos, Coffee and Jesus

I understand with all that is going on in the world, this is miniscule. But, it is my day seventeen of thankfulness. Ever have one of those mornings. You now the one where everyone is late. No one can understand the words “come on ladies. Were late let’s move it!” Where we need to go translates into, please move slower the snails have not yet passed you.  I despise these mornings.  Punctuality is a trait of mine. Yes, It’s possible. As if it were coded in my DNA. I have to be on time. When I start off the day behind, I feel like I am catching up all day.

Well, this morning was that day. We started out behind. Therefore, I was lacking in my usual coffee consumption. If you are an avid coffee drinker, like myself you know what I mean. After the stern one sided you have to be responsible and on time conversation all the way to school. I dropped the girls off at school. The the overwhelming guilt of my what I am sure they heard blah! Blah! Blah!  all the way to school sets in. Because you always have to be the bad cop. In my guilt and frustration, I was thinking I have fifteen minuets, I’ll stop at Pete’s to grab a cup of coffee. I needed this! My one cup of morning ambition was not; did I say NOT cutting it. I stood inline luckily someone I knew was in front of me. Score, at least I had someone to chat with while waiting. Bless her heart…. This barista was moving at a glacier pace. Which thrills me to the core. Finally, it was my turn…. I smiled ordered my drink. The same thing I order every time I go in….. “Sugar free vanilla breve latte with an extra shot.”  She gave me a look in which I assumed she thought I was ordering in an unknown foreign language.  I kindly explained to her it’s made with half-and-half instead of milk. At this point her glacier pace had been slowed to what can only be explained as loitering. I admit patience is not a virtue in which I possess.

She then hands me my cup, I pay and swiftly walk to my car. I drive over the suggested speed limit in a last minute attempt to be on time. Yes, I did it, one minute to spare. Lets just say God has a wonderful sense of sarcasm and humor. Why wouldn’t he? It is also apart of my genetic make up. I was designed by him and, he does speak my language. 

My Love Language 

 

Well after I get to work. Set at my desk and take a long awaited sip of my cup of ambition, wait a sip of my foam. Yes, you got it right. F-O-A-M! I just purchased a six-dollar cup of foam. The cherry on the top of my less than punctual morning.  UGH!!! Are you kidding me? Seriously? For real? Why?  After I silently set at my desk and threw my mental fit, I gathered what mental dignity I had and made my own pot in the break room.  Considering I have this inability to hide what I am thinking. I am sure anyone who walked by knew “Hollie, is having a bad morning or just plain nuts!” Either way both would be accurate! 

Tell me how do you carry on a conversation with a twenty something old co-worker about the Dixie Chicks Texas return and Charlie Sheen’s HIV status without a moderate level of coffee in your system. Guess, what you don’t. At least not on an adult level. Because, seriously all you can think is Duck tape, yes duck tape across your face would be nice. Yes, I am a Christian! I am an open book Christian. A perfectly imperfect Christian. I do have these thoughts. I admit to these thoughts. With the Philippians 4:13 (I can do ALL things through Christ, who gives me strength) reminder, I don’t act on these thoughts.

Then, one I sat and had a quick moment to breath the guilt from thoughts of the one sided discussion of we have to be on time and responsible set in. These chaotic mornings significantly ruin my mornings.  God like he always does, shows up and shows off, he brought to my mind 1 Corinthians 14:33 (God is not the author of chaos, but of peace) Synonyms for chaos Disorder, disorganization, confusion, discombobulation).  Which is a reminder, no matter how chaotic, discombobulated, disorganized or confused my mornings are, he is the author of peace. Take a moment to breath. Remind myself of John 14:27 (paraphrased) “Peace I give you, Peace I leave not as the world gives but I give. Don’t be troubled, and take heart” He has placed a spirit of peace within each of us. To overcome such mornings. So, day seventeen I challenge you to explore the spirit of peace. When life is chaotic, were lacking coffee we still have the peace of Jesus.

God's Lock Out

I’m a planner! I can’t help myself. I am self-diagnosed and I suffer with OCPD.  Obsessive. Compulsive.  Planner. Disorder. I actually don't suffer, I enjoy it (deep down, I have a little gypsy though).  Yes, I make list… lots. Of. List. Anyone who knows me, knows I love consistency. I love the same thing every day. I love knowing what we are doing daily. There is so much comfort in knowing what is planned each week.  Well, every morning I wake up, I walk down the same hall. Into the same kitchen. Make the same coffee and look out of the same kitchen window.  But, I always have a different view. A new wonderfully created view. A view in which can only be created by the master artist himself. I know no matter my circumstance. No matter my attitude. No matter the day of the week. No matter the season winter, spring, summer, fall there will be a masterpiece. Some days these views consist of blues, oranges and reds. Some days it’s purples and pinks. Some days it will be gray, dark blue and black. Each day it is a different beautifully vibrant painted view. Regardless of the color I take comfort in this consistency. And as an artist I appreciate the view. The in-depth colors, the placement of the sun and clouds. Okay, I LOVE the view. If we are connected via Facebook, Twitter or Instagram I am sure you know this by the amount of sunset/sunrise views I share.  

In awe this morning I decided to get a better look. So, I we walked out to the front porch. After snapping a few pictures I attempted to return to the house. What-do-you-know…. The door was locked. Ugh…. Seriously?!? I was LOCKED OUT! I of course knocked. Knocked again. Knocked some more. Aggravation has begun to set in. Children that can hear a chip bag opening through seven doors and three television blaring, all on different channels, could not hear me knocking….. How is this possible? I was shoeless. In my pajamas. On the front porch. Cold.  Not wanting to walk through the wet grass. I stood on the porch… huffing and puffing. In an attempt to not lose my cool, I sat down and just enjoyed the view.  It’s funny when I discovered I had been locked out; I was forced to sit and wait.  I then took advantage of the moment and prayed for a few people who came to mind. I know when are forced to sit and wait, is usually when God is trying to speak to us but we’re too busy to listen. As I sat and gazed upon the sunrise, praying over friends and family it was then I realized it……. 

Realized how thankful I am for God’s lock outs! Yep, you read it right. GODS LOCK OUTS! 

Because he loves us, he knows what is best for us. His timing is always perfect. He grace is always sufficient. His love is always abounding. He knows when to lock us out of a job. He knows when to lock us out of relationships. He knows when to lock us out of a move. He knows when to lock us outside. Just to have a sweet moment with us. He just knows! So, today I am thankful for God’s lock outs!

Friendship Bracelets

Every day as the sun starts to peek over the horizon. I open my eyes, and inhale. I am a morning person. I am usually ready to take on the day. I'm a chatty full of energy, crazy lady in the morning for sure. My daughter in law can attest to this. I am sure there are times when she has sweetly kept her mouth shut when wanting to tell me to shut-my-face!

My mind moves a thousand miles a minute constantly, especially between the hours of five and eight am. Of course my mouth follows. I am not sure why. Other than it's one of the many unexplained things that make me well..ME!

But, my blogs normally do not come to mind during this time. It is usually late at night when I want to sleep. Again, one of the many unexplained things, about ME! I am starting to feel sorry for the man God sends my way for marriage (different blog, for a different day).

Well, this morning as I am getting ready to take on the day. I placed six bracelets on my wrist, as I've done a hundred times before. But, today as I placed them on, one by one. Examining each one, which I hadn't done before. I couldn't help but notice how each bracelet was different. Some were thin metal. Some were thick metal. Some had deep groves in their design. Some had surface groves. Some had diamonds encrusted. Some had pearls. All unique in their individuality. Different strengths and different weaknesses.  But, each are unique and beautiful. After placing all six on my wrist, I noticed something I hadn't noticed before. How, really beautiful they were together. How each complimented the other. 

This reminded me of some close friendships I have. Let's be honest there was a time in my life I didn't attract the best kinds of friends. That radar that sends out warning flares, when "that" so-called-friend came along,  well I didn't have one of those. I just befriended everyone. Let me make it clean there is a HUGE difference between being nice and befriending, And, boundaries!!! Well boundaries  were not apart of my genetic make-up. If there was an unstable person within a fifty mile radius that wanted to sleep with someones husband. Lie relentlessly, or just had a natural talent for backstabbing; and gossiping; well we were magnetically attracted. After a long long long road of being hurt by so-called-friends. I built walls, not Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme walls. More like the walls of Jericho. Walls only God himself could bring down.

Eventually after several years of praying (marching) for Godly friends. Encouraging friends. Loving friends. Loyal friends. The kind of friends you want your children to have. I found!! Yep, like finding a gold mine. They were not found in the same places. They were not found all at once. See, once I started praying for these types of friends. God blessed me with discernment when it came to my friendships. He showed me boundaries. Healthy boundaries and discernment, Aaahhhhhh!!!  God given gifts all ladies should pray for. Life changing (yes, I just sang that)!

Well with these boundaries and discernment, what happened to my Jericho walls? Just as they fell in the bible, they fell in my life as well. I was blessed with a few very close friends. Friends that know my past and helped me to learn from it and know it's not what defines me. Friends that have seen each imperfection and loves me anyway. Friends who are in love with Jesus, too!  Friends I can call anytime day or night, they will listen, offer advice, but most importantly offer up prayers on my behalf.  Very rare, God given friends!

Kristi and myself in Mississippi

Shana and Myself in Las Vegas

Hannah and myself at a Thunder game 

       Therefore, when placing the bracelets on this morning, it made me think of these friends. As individuals we are all uniquely beautiful. We all have different strengths. Different weaknesses. Different groves (scars) some are surface and some are deep to the core scars. Different sizes. Yes different heights and weights. Different on so many levels. But, when you place us side by side, we just compliment the other. Together we radiate! Not because we're perfect. But, because we are perfectly imperfect beautiful Jesus girls. I wouldn't trade these ladies or the immense love for Jesus or me that they show. Displays of constant unconditonal love, grace and class. I love these women, tremendously!