The journey begins.......Made to Crave

I've in my 36 years had weight issues since grade school. I've always had someone to tell me how unfit I was physically (that is putting it mildly). People who were biologically programed to love me and accept me unconditionally, and even they judged me. Therefore, I came to a point I became obsessed with my physical appearance. Constantly thinking about my number on the scale and letting that number define my self-worth. I've been the person who goes from one extreme to another. The starving myself thin to being just under 300 pounds. I always acted like I was happy. Everyone has always said you’re so funny. I just love being around you. The truth is I was dying inside. The jokes about myself were to cover the self-hate, the unworthiness with in my heart. I had a spirit that was dried, brittle and I absolutely hated me. When you are told for many years these things about yourself you start to believe them. You are unable to have healthy relationships or fail to even have relationships. Which lead to this.........

 I've read the book by Lysa TerKherst before. A couple of years ago a friend told me what a wonderful read it was. The amazing things she had to say made me just wanted to run out and purchase it.  Me being a single mom, I didn't have much money, especially not enough to purchase a new book.  So, I went to the book store several days in a row. Reading a few chapters a day. Finally after a few days I had read the entire book. I loved the book. I could relate. I briefly applied the words on the pages to my life. I say briefly because as much as I had admired the woman who had written the book and as much as I thought I wanted to grow closer to God. To crave his ways. I really didn't! Sounds bad, right?! I didn't want it bad enough. It all sounded good. I wanted to be this woman. See there was a problem. I wanted to be her. I didn't want to be me. I wanted more than anything to be Lysa! I didn't pray to have a servant's heart. I didn't pray to be more like Mary. I prayed a selfish prayer (when I did pray). Make me like her. I wanted her thin legs, her slender build. What I didn't want was the work, study and prayer it takes to have the spirit she had. The spirit that led to her physical appearance. I was more obsessed with her physical appearance than I was with the spiritual appearance. This makes for a very selfish person with very self-centered prayers. I was wrong to say the least. 

Since that point in my I've been married and divorced (again!). With another baby (#5), I was homeless, lonely, bitter and seriously at rock bottom. And yes, I wallowed in my situation. I eventually found myself living in the attic of a church. Yes, I said attic! I would clean the church that I attended, cooked for all the fundraisers, I served in any and all aspects required or asked. You would think someone trapped in an attic of the house of God that person would be overflowing with the joy of the Lord. I was in the attic, as close to heaven in God's house as I could be. Well, NOPE! I wallowed. In which I ate enough to feed a small country during my stay in the attic. Of course which led to my weight gain (again). I was treated differently by the congregation. Even being nicknamed Cinderella. I was exhausted, miserable and lonely. Notice my redundant word is lonely. I had friends, I had my children, and I had my church family. I was constantly surrounded by people but I was lonely. At this point I had learned to pray. Well, not how to pray just to pray. I would constantly pray for me. I'd pray God would deliver me from my situation. I prayed a lot, before church, during church (twice on Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday prayer). Always praying for number one, ME!  

 One day I was crying and pleading with God about my situation. You see, there was a certain family in this congregation that treated me terrible. It was not a secret how they felt. Nor how I begin to feel about them.  I called her my freinenemy. Anyway, one day I felt the need to pray for this person’s brother. He was a single father other than that I didn't know much about him or his situation. We had only ever talked in passing. During my prayer for this man I felt I needed to fast. Of course I was like God this family doesn't even like me and I am supposed to give up my food for them? Um isn't here anything else I could do. Like donate a kidney or something?! Of all things my food. Well, I did it. Cold turkey all food (hesitantly, I might add).  Seven days into this fast I talked to my pastor’s wife. She didn't ask who it was, but she knew. In the end of the conversation she had only told me he was fasting too. I didn't know why I was fasting and praying for this man, only that I was. Well in the midst of all this this family would always without fail sit in the same seat. Under impression I anointed under their seats with oil and praying for this family. At the end of the very next service. The family approached me hugged me and said they had missed me in church that service. I was out that particular service cooking for our Sunday night fellowship. Since this time. I’ve learned to pray for others. I’ve learned when I pray for others God changes my heart. Since then I’ve rededicated my life to God. In a different way. I actually meant it this time. I try to the best of my ability to serve God and do all unto his glory. In what I eat, how I parent and how I deal with my relationships. No, I am not perfect. As a matter of fact I am very far from perfect. However, since God has changed my heart, I thought I would reread Lysa’s book, Made to Crave. Because you see in all of this God has shown me, I am his. He created me. He wants me to prosper in all I do. The time in the attic I believe was meant to break me. Break my old spiritual habits, so God could remold me into what he needed me to be. I may be remodeled with cracks and scars. Which is ok. Each crack and each scar is a testimony. A testimony that was created to help someone else. However, I am still whole. I am still me and I am still unworthy but God offers me grace, love and has shown me I am never to be lonely. For he is my rock, he will never leave me nor forsake me.  

I had seen Proverbs 31 ministries advertise an online bible study (OBS). Of course I though YES! I signed up. Then I found the book at Mardel’s for 50% off. I was on a roll, or so I thought. See I know God wanted me to be in this study. I didn’t know for sure why. But I knew he did. So, everything was working out perfect.  Then I had found out I had been “waitlisted”. I was unable to join an OBS group. I didn’t know if I could do this by myself. I needed support of other women craving to replace unneeded things with the needed presence of God. How can this happen? Well it was just a speed bump. God wanted to see how willing I was to be used as a vessel in this OBS. Then God had reminded when praying for others is when God  blessed me and restored my heart. Back to feeling whole, loved and no longer lonely.  So, I was impressed start and OBS of my own. Then a sweet woman that I had never met suggested it online. I was like Ok, God! I get it. So, I did it. I started a group. Within in hours there were 40 women signed up to my group. I decided we needed more administrators. I had to have help facilitating these sweet ladies that shared in my goal.  Bam, two more administrators were born.  Twenty-four (24) short hours later we have fifty-four (54) members in our group. Sharing in our prayer, concerns, hopes, questions and the ultimate goal of replacing the cravings for unbeneficial things in life for the craving of the one true God.  God defiantly works in mysterious ways. He knows our hearts and he know who and what we need when it’s needed. So, as I ecstatically embark on this journey of made to crave I pray God’s glory will shine in the process. 

 

 

Faith over Fear

I am a control freak when it comes to my daily life. This is not a secret to those who truly know me. I like stability, schedules and consistency. I love knowing what time were going to bed and getting up. I even love knowing what nights we will be watching a particular television show. I love knowing at 630 every evening my 12 year old daughter and I will compete solving puzzles on Wheel of fortune. I do not like surprises in any way shape or form. I contribute my almost OCD level of this to my childhood. As a child there was so much chaos, instability and uncertainty in my world. It always left me feeling confused, tired, fearful, unfocused and without peace.   Even now when things get chaotic I get anxious. Something as simple as cutting my hair, having my nails done or uninvited guest cause anxiety attacks. Yes, this is something I've dealt with for years. I've turned it over to God and I've let him or so I thought. I live a peaceful life in Waco far from family. I do have a few select friends here. I have a daily routine and it's the same day in and day out. I love it this way. Well last Friday my boss and owner of the company I was employed at informed me the doors would be closing Monday. Yes, in a brief forty-eight hours. This was completely unexpected. At that moment my peaceful scheduled life was thrown into a downward spiral of chaos. I was in shocked, anxious, nervous and worried. And that is just the tip of the ice berg of emotions.

I had to stop and calm down I vowed I would prayerfully fast and read my bible. Along with applying for position in various cities and states. Appling for unemployment.  I even have gone as far as purchasing a new bible, which I've been wanting for a while. I bought new pens and took out an old empty journal. I've jumped head first into prayer, fasting and studying. I know there are times throughout the day when I feel overwhelmed by the circumstance or fearful of the unknown God has shown me in scriptures he is still here. He has not left me, nor will he. He will not forsake me. I am reminded in Ecclesiastes 3:1  " To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven". I've been sure this is just a season and this too shall pass.

Then this morning I check my email and there is a message stating I don not qualify for unemployment. I didn't make enough. Very frustrated I drove to the Workforce office to inquire about this decision. I was given a paper to apply for appeals. The sweet elderly man who helped me said it may have just been a typo or error entered on either end. So, I asked how long the appeals take. His reply "if all goes well or as planned it'll take five to six weeks".  Another spiral of chaos in my new world of uncertainty. I felt the fear, anxiety, frustration and tears starting to overwhelm me. I called my mother who immediately calmed me down.  As I drove home I was quickly reminded by God the bible says in  Isaiah 42:16 "when God says he will, it's a guarantee he will". I have been faithful to turn to him and his word he is working on my behalf. See a few years ago I would have immediately  look at the situation and reacted out fear. And, yes usually making the worst decision possible. Causing the domino effect to my circumstance. So, I sit here today with uncertainty in my future employment and residence. But I chose to put my faith, hope and trust in God. I chose to not let my circumstance pull me away but drawn me closer to God. No, I am not perfect and I do have those moments in which I stand and say "God I need you to take over". And guess what he does, EVERY TIME!  And I challenge you today. If you are facing uncertainty have faith and let God work for you.