Bottom line...... Parenting is hard. Especially single parenting. I am not talking I need a couple of hours extra sleep. One tear on my cheek hard. But, I am talking about hiding in closet bawling like a baby I need to sleep the weekend, hiding behind the couch stuffing a candy bar in my face kind of hard. If anyone says parenting is not hard, they must have nanny's, chefs and unlimited funds (true story).
It is time to expose myself......... As a single parenting since 2005 (I did remarry and divorce again since then, another story for another day). I have struggled in one manner or another, on a regular basis. I had two boys in football at the same time. We ended up at practice 5 nights a week (at times) and games three days a week. Working two jobs and attending college makes it challenging to attend everything I needed to attend. We are not counting the two girls in vocal programs; or the one in daycare I had. It is HARD!!!!! Till this day it aggravates me to not end when someone says "why did you have five kids being single". Immediately the holy spirit abandons ship and I want to throat punch someone. If in a million years I ever thought I'd be divorced, I would have brought them into the world. Duh..... What kind of person makes a statement like that to a parent, single or not.
I didn't want my children to be "unstable" or hurt so I also had them in counseling four of the five in counseling every week, was also added to my schedule. Along with the youngest with severe allergies at the time and had to get allergy shots every week. Believe me! I am not complaining, only explaining to give you a visual.
So, my schedule was crazy hectic to say the least. Well, I have learned through a lot of parenting mistakes. Through trial and error. Through blood, sweat and tears. We are not perfect and will never be. To expect it from yourself or another is ridiculous. Parenting in general is a messy, emotional. crazy, hectic, beautiful roller coaster of a ride.
At times I was sad, jealous and mad. I felt cheated, wronged and abandoned. By family. By my ex who promised our differences that caused the divorce wouldn't make the children "suffer" through it. I wanted my babies to have it all. The perfect mom. The nice house. The nice car. The extracurricular activities. I wanted the best clothes (name brand of course). I had seen all the other single mom's at the events and school activities have these things. I would be angry with my children's father because of the lack of child support. And, I would go home. Fix my children the newest concoction that I created from whatever ingredients I could find in the cupboard. Then I would bathe them, place the newest thrift store finds on their little bodies and tuck them in bed. Then I would go to my room with my youngest who has always slept with me. And, cry till I couldn't see straight. I did this for several years.
See I attended church. I volunteered every Sunday, for two hours. Then I would attend Sunday school and worship service. I never felt accepted, wanted or care about. It was hard. And, who suffered the most. Not me, not my ex.... but it was my children. See, when we place our eyes on attaining the material possessions for our children we will fail one hundred percent of the time. It took me a long time to realize this. Way to long. And, in the process of trying to attain the goals of material things I lost a few pretty important things.
1. I was so caught up in being the perfect parent. I failed to attain a relationship with the perfect God. therefore I lost myself. I lost myself in the midst of trying to give it all to my children.
My home had become a child centered home, instead of the Christ centered home. EPIC FAIL!!!
2. My second oldest son. He refuses to talk to me. He moved to his dad's and will not see me, period.
Also, my home had become a child centered home, instead of the Christ centered home. Again, EPIC FAIL!!!
3. I had focused so much on making my home a child centered home. I had failed to think about what will I do when my children a raised and gone. I never focused on a relationship of my own. Not with Christ or a future mate.
In the midst of it all I focused so much on children. I had lost sight of the real goal. Don't get me wrong. Our job is to love our children. Give them roots and then wings. But, we try to giving it all. Giving it all to them is NOT our job. When we do we create monsters, Seriously!!!!
I would read books upon books on Christian parenting. I would enforce what I had learned for a brief time. Then when trying to enforce it had gotten to hard. I'd go back to what I felt was best. Not what God knew was best. The biggest EPIC PARENTING FAIL, of all.
To focus on our children without focusing on God first is our biggest parenting mistake of all. Our children suffer. We suffer and then their children suffer. A vicious cycle of Epic Parenting Fails. And, to know I created it, is the biggest heartbreak of all. I love my children to much.
We want the best for them. So, we give them the name brand clothes. We give them the smart phones. We give them the television in their rooms. We give them the computers, cars and trips to the movies and malls. See the pattern..... WE GIVE, WE GIVE, WE GIVE!
What have we asked them to give? What responsibilities have we asked of them? Any at all?
I still have two daughters living in my home at this point. And, I love all five of my children so much it hurts. Seriously till it hurts. However, I've learned a huge lesson in the first twenty years of parenting. And, I have promised to God to have a Christ centered home and not a child centered home.
See, even the state only requires us to give them a roof over their heads, meals, clothes and love.
The computers, televisions, phones, trips to the movies, malls etc..... they are all privileges. Things you earn. YES!! I said the one thing all children dread hearing EARN!!!! You want theses privileges you must pay or work to earn at least half of the cost. You loss the privileges then it is the child's responsibility to earn it back. The length of time is up to them.
Failing grades: loss of all privileges! Failure to do chores: loss of all privileges! Lying/disrespecting another: Loss of all privileges! Must sound harsh. That's okay. My home has become a Christ Centered Home. No longer a child centered home. And, that is the way it will remain. The bible says:
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6. God's promise is however we train them (Good or Bad) they will not depart. Therefore, it is our job not to give it all. I do not want my children to be trained with the spirit of entitlement.
So, I challenge you today. If you have created a Child Centered Home, to create a Christ Centered Home. Keep a journal note the changes you see in your home, in your children and in yourself.
Keep on keeping on for God's glorious Kingdom you will eventually call home.
Remember all Good things are from heaven above. That is how I know coffee is heaven sent ;)
Praying someone out there is blessed by today's blog.
Hollie Kate
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Proverbs 29:15
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. Det 6:7
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3-5
But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:14-17
